Almost Xmas....

Well, it's that time of year AGAIN. When people spend ridiculous amounts of money on gifts for their friends, loved ones, significant others, etc. Well, this year I only have to worry about spending it on my family which is always nice. I save money, and don't get to feel like kicking myself in the face after words. So, good for me.

I feel like the older I get, the Xmas magic has since left me. I'm no longer all that excited for it for opening gifts and that ol crap. I'm just happy to spend time with my family and friends. I'm happy that we're all healthy, and we get to see another year. And, I wish I didn't take people for granted the way I sometimes do. I need to change this.

But, most of all, I miss the people I've lost over the years, and it all comes back to me 'this time of of year'. There are two integral members of my family that have been gone for two years now. My Yia Yia and my Dad. Not a day goes by I don't think about either one of them, I still reel from my dad's death... but, each day I guess it gets a little easier, I find ways to deal with it.

I'm sure, like every year I will dream about them when I'm at my worst. Recently I dreamt that my Dad told me what heaven and hell were like. He looked so good in the dream. Healthy, skinny, how he was before he died. I can still see it in my mind, I woke up completely baffled as to how real it all felt. He was right there, I swear it.

I do believe loved ones that I've lost come back in mysterious ways. When someone I don't know is nice to me it could be them, when I suddenly think positively about a situation I know it's probably them. That little voice in the back of my head telling me to 'do the right thing' yeah, I know it's them.

I just wanted to write a short yet sweet post about how we should all take Thanksgiving more to heart than Xmas. Truly, be thankful for your health, the health of your family and friends, and whether you want to bite their heads off one day, or hug them into submission the next. They're HERE, with YOU, and that's all that really matters.

Be thankful for those you have in your life, we aren't promised anything, we have a short stay here, so I intend to make the most of it.

That's my 'New Year's Resolution'.

Almost Xmas....

Well, it's that time of year AGAIN. When people spend ridiculous amounts of money on gifts for their friends, loved ones, significant others, etc. Well, this year I only have to worry about spending it on my family which is always nice. I save money, and don't get to feel like kicking myself in the face after words. So, good for me.

I feel like the older I get, the Xmas magic has since left me. I'm no longer all that excited for it for opening gifts and that ol crap. I'm just happy to spend time with my family and friends. I'm happy that we're all healthy, and we get to see another year. And, I wish I didn't take people for granted the way I sometimes do. I need to change this.

But, most of all, I miss the people I've lost over the years, and it all comes back to me 'this time of of year'. There are two integral members of my family that have been gone for two years now. My Yia Yia and my Dad. Not a day goes by I don't think about either one of them, I still reel from my dad's death... but, each day I guess it gets a little easier, I find ways to deal with it.

I'm sure, like every year I will dream about them when I'm at my worst. Recently I dreamt that my Dad told me what heaven and hell were like. He looked so good in the dream. Healthy, skinny, how he was before he died. I can still see it in my mind, I woke up completely baffled as to how real it all felt. He was right there, I swear it.

I do believe loved ones that I've lost come back in mysterious ways. When someone I don't know is nice to me it could be them, when I suddenly think positively about a situation I know it's probably them. That little voice in the back of my head telling me to 'do the right thing' yeah, I know it's them.

I just wanted to write a short yet sweet post about how we should all take Thanksgiving more to heart than Xmas. Truly, be thankful for your health, the health of your family and friends, and whether you want to bite their heads off one day, or hug them into submission the next. They're HERE, with YOU, and that's all that really matters.

Be thankful for those you have in your life, we aren't promised anything, we have a short stay here, so I intend to make the most of it.

That's my 'New Year's Resolution'.

New Job/ New Outlook

I have a new job now at a pretty reputable company near my hometown. I will not disclose the name of this company, just in case they somehow link it to this website with my opinions, etc. It would be dangerous for customers to find me this way too. I had one customer ask for my last name today. How about no? I do not want to get that personal with any of them. I like this job so far. I did just start a few weeks ago, so of course, the newlywed phase will fade away as time goes on, but I am going to try and keep a positive outlook on this one. It's a bigger more professional company, and I must say it is refreshing to work around guys again. As much as I love hanging with my girls, let's face it... every woman I've encountered... including myself is super duper moody at times. I can't stand those qualities about myself let alone others. I don't like going from A-Z in the span of one day, but hell... it happens... and, I just try to get around it and leave as little destruction along my path as I possibly can. I am also enjoying being single. This truly is the first time I've been single and I haven't been 'seeing' anyone on the side while keeping it low profile and 'open'. It's rather nice to just concentrate on myself, my own wants and needs this time around. The only person I worry about keeping happy is myself... and you know what? It's right where I need to be right now. Perfecto. Halloween came and went. The 2nd anniversary of my dad's death came and went too. It's truly amazing how quickly the years really do fly by once you're out of school. This Halloween was much better than last year's. I would still like to either go out and party and/or go to an actual house party for Halloween. I miss those, but whatever... it is what it is. My friend Tabitha and I went on a Ghost Tour around Chicago last night! It was far too cold, but still alot of fun. I had no idea the city of Chicago was surrounded by so much death and despair. You learn something new everyday. Very cool history lesson as well, I would definitely do it again. She and I rounded the night off with 5.00 shots of patron, they took us to a little bar called Vintage. I wish we could have made more bar stops, but alas... it was a week night.. and apparently the world of fun must come to an end at some point. Not sure I have too much else to say at the moment other than my mom had a great birthday as well! We got her a 3 month massage membership, and went out to an Uzbekistan restaurant for dinner. It's called Diora, and everyone.... look it up... and go. The food was to DIE for, and so were the desserts. That's all she wrote.... for now...

New Job/ New Outlook

I have a new job now at a pretty reputable company near my hometown. I will not disclose the name of this company, just in case they somehow link it to this website with my opinions, etc. It would be dangerous for customers to find me this way too. I had one customer ask for my last name today. How about no? I do not want to get that personal with any of them. I like this job so far. I did just start a few weeks ago, so of course, the newlywed phase will fade away as time goes on, but I am going to try and keep a positive outlook on this one. It's a bigger more professional company, and I must say it is refreshing to work around guys again. As much as I love hanging with my girls, let's face it... every woman I've encountered... including myself is super duper moody at times. I can't stand those qualities about myself let alone others. I don't like going from A-Z in the span of one day, but hell... it happens... and, I just try to get around it and leave as little destruction along my path as I possibly can. I am also enjoying being single. This truly is the first time I've been single and I haven't been 'seeing' anyone on the side while keeping it low profile and 'open'. It's rather nice to just concentrate on myself, my own wants and needs this time around. The only person I worry about keeping happy is myself... and you know what? It's right where I need to be right now. Perfecto. Halloween came and went. The 2nd anniversary of my dad's death came and went too. It's truly amazing how quickly the years really do fly by once you're out of school. This Halloween was much better than last year's. I would still like to either go out and party and/or go to an actual house party for Halloween. I miss those, but whatever... it is what it is. My friend Tabitha and I went on a Ghost Tour around Chicago last night! It was far too cold, but still alot of fun. I had no idea the city of Chicago was surrounded by so much death and despair. You learn something new everyday. Very cool history lesson as well, I would definitely do it again. She and I rounded the night off with 5.00 shots of patron, they took us to a little bar called Vintage. I wish we could have made more bar stops, but alas... it was a week night.. and apparently the world of fun must come to an end at some point. Not sure I have too much else to say at the moment other than my mom had a great birthday as well! We got her a 3 month massage membership, and went out to an Uzbekistan restaurant for dinner. It's called Diora, and everyone.... look it up... and go. The food was to DIE for, and so were the desserts. That's all she wrote.... for now...

The Job Market

I just want to say that the state of our economy in these recent years is pathetic. I have friends both with college degrees and without that have struggled non stop to find a job! Some have applied to any industry they see fit, even retail/ food service and didn't find anything. Others are pickier which probably doesn't help them any, and refuse to even attempt anything other than their 'chosen field' of expertise. It really makes me think. I understand an Associates, Bachelor's, Master's Ph.D, etc. are all great, wonderful accomplishments. And, those that have worked themselves to the bone to acheive them deserve awards in my mind. But, it is curious to me that some individuals that drop out of school make more money than myself and my fellow friends and family members ever will in our lifetimes. I think I know why they have become so successful. It doesn't have to do with your economic status at all. The rags to riches story can reign true for anyone. Especially in the entertainment industry. One of my favorite female rappers out there, Nicki Minaj had a less than humble upbringing and look where she's at now? Same for crazy Ke$ha. She grew up poor and barefoot with a single mother, and look at the success she has earned as well. What do these women have that I don't you ask. Well, it's really just one word. DRIVE. I believe that if you really, really, really, want something and are willing to put everything else on the line for it. No matter what it takes the rewards can and should be bountiful. Now, I on the other hand do not like being in the spotlight. I prefer the wallflower approach, and have remained in that set mindset for my entire life. Maybe it's time for me to change my tune, and try something different. Something crazy, something that could change everything. Every job that I have ever worked at, I knew deep down would never, ever, fulfill me. But, I would SETTLE. Because I'm afraid of FAILING. Well, 'imagine if you could not fail, what could you do?' the answer, plain and simple is ANYTHING. A few times in my life, when I had the drive that I have since lost, I actually accomplished my set goals at the time! For example, I played soccer all four years throughout high school. I was never the star player, never good enough to earn a full scholarship to college, but I trained with my Dad, trained with my sister, and a personal trainer (which my awesome daddy hired for my sister and I) and she and I both made travel teams! I played on the travel league for a little over a year, and it boosted my confidence on the field ten fold! I was in the best shape of my life at that time. To the surprise of both of my parents, I actually had 3 travel leagues ready to recruit me. They WANTED ME on their teams! I had the opportunity to decide which team I wanted to be on. I chose the right one for me, even though one team was higher in the ranks. I made the right decision. It was the best time in my life. My Dad was so proud that both of his daughters made it onto travel teams. My sister has always been more athletic than me, she had more of a natural talent on the field, whereas I had to work very hard to keep up with everyone else, but my hard work paid off. And, I still have the trophy to prove it. My travel team, girls far more talented than I, voted me, 'Most Improved Player'. I was ecstatic. Now, I look at myself and wonder, where did that girl go? Well, now she is a woman, who has been through alot in a very short span of time. And, instead of overcoming those obstacles, I allowed it to weigh me down. Now, I don't sit around all day moping around the house feeling sorry for myself, because that's disgusting and I know I'm stronger than that. But, I do allow things to hold me back. Like the guilt of moving away from my family. After my aunt moved in I feel like I owe it to my Mom to stay home and help take care of her. I feel that every time I even so much as talk about moving away, they become irritated with me and sensitive about the topic. I don't know why, but it makes me feel terrible every time. My level of success in this life, is definitely more attainable than what Nicki Minaj and Ke$ha have found in theirs. I simply want a job in the writing field. ANY writing field. I want my own apartment. I want my own dog. That's what I want, for now. Although, going off the beaten path has inspired me slightly in this last month of unemployment. I used to dream of acting. I do not want to be 'famous' though. I don't want the public or the paparazzi interfering with my personal life. I want to be known on talent alone. And yes, I do think it can be possible, if I had more DRIVE for it. Right now, I'm scared and I don't know why. I'm so used to rejection with my other jobs, why not audition for a horror movie? That's the preferred genre I would like get into. So, maybe if I can get a job for now, take acting classes, and then from there work my way up..... who knows. The world has endless possibilities. I just need to believe what I write, and actually DO IT. DRIVE, DRIVE DRIVE. My new mantra. DRIIIIIVE. That's all she wrote.

(My fave horror movie actress, the beautiful Danielle Harris)

(My fave MC)

(Crazy chica)

The Job Market

I just want to say that the state of our economy in these recent years is pathetic. I have friends both with college degrees and without that have struggled non stop to find a job! Some have applied to any industry they see fit, even retail/ food service and didn't find anything. Others are pickier which probably doesn't help them any, and refuse to even attempt anything other than their 'chosen field' of expertise. It really makes me think. I understand an Associates, Bachelor's, Master's Ph.D, etc. are all great, wonderful accomplishments. And, those that have worked themselves to the bone to acheive them deserve awards in my mind. But, it is curious to me that some individuals that drop out of school make more money than myself and my fellow friends and family members ever will in our lifetimes. I think I know why they have become so successful. It doesn't have to do with your economic status at all. The rags to riches story can reign true for anyone. Especially in the entertainment industry. One of my favorite female rappers out there, Nicki Minaj had a less than humble upbringing and look where she's at now? Same for crazy Ke$ha. She grew up poor and barefoot with a single mother, and look at the success she has earned as well. What do these women have that I don't you ask. Well, it's really just one word. DRIVE. I believe that if you really, really, really, want something and are willing to put everything else on the line for it. No matter what it takes the rewards can and should be bountiful. Now, I on the other hand do not like being in the spotlight. I prefer the wallflower approach, and have remained in that set mindset for my entire life. Maybe it's time for me to change my tune, and try something different. Something crazy, something that could change everything. Every job that I have ever worked at, I knew deep down would never, ever, fulfill me. But, I would SETTLE. Because I'm afraid of FAILING. Well, 'imagine if you could not fail, what could you do?' the answer, plain and simple is ANYTHING. A few times in my life, when I had the drive that I have since lost, I actually accomplished my set goals at the time! For example, I played soccer all four years throughout high school. I was never the star player, never good enough to earn a full scholarship to college, but I trained with my Dad, trained with my sister, and a personal trainer (which my awesome daddy hired for my sister and I) and she and I both made travel teams! I played on the travel league for a little over a year, and it boosted my confidence on the field ten fold! I was in the best shape of my life at that time. To the surprise of both of my parents, I actually had 3 travel leagues ready to recruit me. They WANTED ME on their teams! I had the opportunity to decide which team I wanted to be on. I chose the right one for me, even though one team was higher in the ranks. I made the right decision. It was the best time in my life. My Dad was so proud that both of his daughters made it onto travel teams. My sister has always been more athletic than me, she had more of a natural talent on the field, whereas I had to work very hard to keep up with everyone else, but my hard work paid off. And, I still have the trophy to prove it. My travel team, girls far more talented than I, voted me, 'Most Improved Player'. I was ecstatic. Now, I look at myself and wonder, where did that girl go? Well, now she is a woman, who has been through alot in a very short span of time. And, instead of overcoming those obstacles, I allowed it to weigh me down. Now, I don't sit around all day moping around the house feeling sorry for myself, because that's disgusting and I know I'm stronger than that. But, I do allow things to hold me back. Like the guilt of moving away from my family. After my aunt moved in I feel like I owe it to my Mom to stay home and help take care of her. I feel that every time I even so much as talk about moving away, they become irritated with me and sensitive about the topic. I don't know why, but it makes me feel terrible every time. My level of success in this life, is definitely more attainable than what Nicki Minaj and Ke$ha have found in theirs. I simply want a job in the writing field. ANY writing field. I want my own apartment. I want my own dog. That's what I want, for now. Although, going off the beaten path has inspired me slightly in this last month of unemployment. I used to dream of acting. I do not want to be 'famous' though. I don't want the public or the paparazzi interfering with my personal life. I want to be known on talent alone. And yes, I do think it can be possible, if I had more DRIVE for it. Right now, I'm scared and I don't know why. I'm so used to rejection with my other jobs, why not audition for a horror movie? That's the preferred genre I would like get into. So, maybe if I can get a job for now, take acting classes, and then from there work my way up..... who knows. The world has endless possibilities. I just need to believe what I write, and actually DO IT. DRIVE, DRIVE DRIVE. My new mantra. DRIIIIIVE. That's all she wrote.

(My fave horror movie actress, the beautiful Danielle Harris)

(My fave MC)

(Crazy chica)

Explanation

The main reason I was so livid in my last post, was due to issues with my past position. Basically, I was given an ultimatum from my boss, basically I had one month to improve to her standards, or she would 'let me go' so to speak. Well, I was about ready to wait for that one month mark, until something much sillier took place. My coworker, who shall remain nameless... wrote the boss a ridiculous email and she carbon copied myself in the message. This in turn, made it seem as if I aided her in writing the disgusting and immature email, which I of course did not. Who are you going to believe? An employee you're about to let go? Or, a really angry email full of profanities staring you in the face from your inbox? Guess who she believed? Well, oh intelligent readers... you guessed right. My position was in danger of pure termination at this point because of the circumstantial evidence with that stupid email that I took no part of. So, what did I do? I left the position before the situation got out of hand, and I was still able to walk away with my head held high and dignity intact. Now, although my so called 'friend' proved excellent points in this email, she did so in a very immature and overly emotional fashion. I completely disagree with her and the way she handled it. It was also unprofessional of her to include myself and yet another coworker in the text of the email itself. There was no such reason for any of this, and to be honest I am still really hurt and confused as to why it took place at all. Yes, I understand she was fired over the phone (the workings of my unprofessional boss) and that created a volcanic eruption of anger on her part, but she didn't have to to drag me down with her. It was just completely irresponsible. I do not consider that particular individual a 'friend' any longer. Why should I be friends with someone who has no regard for me or my financial situation? I would NEVER THROW ANYONE UNDER THE BUS. That's probably why I will never make the millions or be a top CEO of some fortune 500 company. I don't like the idea of stepping on people's toes to get ahead. Call it old fashioned, but it's just the way I roll. I am no longer on speaking terms with my previous employer or coworker. I do still converse occasionally with the other coworker involved in that situation. Due to compliance reasons, I dare not mention which company or any names from here on out. I really wish I could though. I had everything all planned out!!!! Due to the ridiculousness that occurred in the office on a daily basis, I already had it planned to go to corporate and file a complaint against my former boss. I still want to, but I don't know what leverage it will hold at this point seeing as the pickle I am now in with that particular company. I wasn't meant for that position anyway. Most days, I still don't know what I am 'meant for' or 'what is my purpose' in this so called life. One day, it will just hit me in the head I hope, or maybe I'll just float until I figure it out. All I know is, I still live by the hippy notion, that whatever it is I wind up doing in life... for the rest of my life... I want it to fulfill me and make me happy and proud everyday of whatever it is I am contributing to society. Maybe I should start writing that book, I keep saying I am going to write, or maybe start the play I keep trapped in the cobwebs of my imagination.

Explanation

The main reason I was so livid in my last post, was due to issues with my past position. Basically, I was given an ultimatum from my boss, basically I had one month to improve to her standards, or she would 'let me go' so to speak. Well, I was about ready to wait for that one month mark, until something much sillier took place. My coworker, who shall remain nameless... wrote the boss a ridiculous email and she carbon copied myself in the message. This in turn, made it seem as if I aided her in writing the disgusting and immature email, which I of course did not. Who are you going to believe? An employee you're about to let go? Or, a really angry email full of profanities staring you in the face from your inbox? Guess who she believed? Well, oh intelligent readers... you guessed right. My position was in danger of pure termination at this point because of the circumstantial evidence with that stupid email that I took no part of. So, what did I do? I left the position before the situation got out of hand, and I was still able to walk away with my head held high and dignity intact. Now, although my so called 'friend' proved excellent points in this email, she did so in a very immature and overly emotional fashion. I completely disagree with her and the way she handled it. It was also unprofessional of her to include myself and yet another coworker in the text of the email itself. There was no such reason for any of this, and to be honest I am still really hurt and confused as to why it took place at all. Yes, I understand she was fired over the phone (the workings of my unprofessional boss) and that created a volcanic eruption of anger on her part, but she didn't have to to drag me down with her. It was just completely irresponsible. I do not consider that particular individual a 'friend' any longer. Why should I be friends with someone who has no regard for me or my financial situation? I would NEVER THROW ANYONE UNDER THE BUS. That's probably why I will never make the millions or be a top CEO of some fortune 500 company. I don't like the idea of stepping on people's toes to get ahead. Call it old fashioned, but it's just the way I roll. I am no longer on speaking terms with my previous employer or coworker. I do still converse occasionally with the other coworker involved in that situation. Due to compliance reasons, I dare not mention which company or any names from here on out. I really wish I could though. I had everything all planned out!!!! Due to the ridiculousness that occurred in the office on a daily basis, I already had it planned to go to corporate and file a complaint against my former boss. I still want to, but I don't know what leverage it will hold at this point seeing as the pickle I am now in with that particular company. I wasn't meant for that position anyway. Most days, I still don't know what I am 'meant for' or 'what is my purpose' in this so called life. One day, it will just hit me in the head I hope, or maybe I'll just float until I figure it out. All I know is, I still live by the hippy notion, that whatever it is I wind up doing in life... for the rest of my life... I want it to fulfill me and make me happy and proud everyday of whatever it is I am contributing to society. Maybe I should start writing that book, I keep saying I am going to write, or maybe start the play I keep trapped in the cobwebs of my imagination.

LIVID

I honestly cannot even describe how I feel today. Due to compliance reasons, I can't mention anything here. In the upcoming weeks once I start making decisions, then I might allude to more of what is really going on. The word for today is: LIVID

That is all for now.

LIVID

I honestly cannot even describe how I feel today. Due to compliance reasons, I can't mention anything here. In the upcoming weeks once I start making decisions, then I might allude to more of what is really going on. The word for today is: LIVID

That is all for now.

I hate how

I hate how I think of you in moments of silence

You shouldn't be there

creeping

crawling

around in my head

filling each crevice

with those memories

that flash forward

and backward

and forward

and backward again

like the bright, neon, blue lights

after the camera flashes

my thoughts into



nothing



I just hate how you were once here

and now, you're not

you faded away

like you're supposed to

like time says you have to

so my heart tells me so



I am over it



I am over putting myself out on that thin limb

between madness and sanity

that some call love



I am not meant to fall in

be in

or accept LOVE



Because it does not accept me



LOVE IS LIKE A SHIT STEAMED STEW

that's how little I hate you



not really

not at all

just the heartstrings

pulling



on

my conscience

good bye silence of the mind



How, I long for you

I hate how

I hate how I think of you in moments of silence
You shouldn't be there
creeping
crawling
around in my head
filling each crevice
with those memories
that flash forward
and backward
and forward
and backward again
like the bright, neon, blue lights
after the camera flashes
my thoughts into

nothing

I just hate how you were once here
and now, you're not
you faded away
like you're supposed to
like time says you have to
so my heart tells me so

I am over it

I am over putting myself out on that thin limb
between madness and sanity
that some call love

I am not meant to fall in
be in
or accept LOVE

Because it does not accept me

LOVE IS LIKE A SHIT STEAMED STEW
that's how little I hate you

not really
not at all
just the heartstrings
pulling

on
my conscience
good bye silence of the mind

How, I long for you

I am a God Mother

HELLO WORLD,

I have the very, best, news ever. I have a new role in life. Not only am I a sister, daughter, niece, goddaughter, and friend... but now, I'm a GODMOTHER to my best friend's adorable baby girl, who was born 08/10/2011. She isn't even my own flesh and blood and I love her like she basically is. :) Her name is Autumn Mae Caratchea, and she is the spitting image of her beautiful mother, the lovely Ms. Ashley A. (I don't know if she wants me to mention her last name, so I shall refrain for privacy reasons).



I was so happy to see the both of them this past weekend. I am glad Ashley is doing better after her surgery, she is one tough cookie and handles pain exceptionally well. I actually said a prayer the morning Autumn was born. And, I'm sure as most of you know.. the older I get.. the less and less I seem to care about religion. Except when a family member or friend of mine is in trouble. And, I was worried for everyone involved that morning.



Luckily, whomever it is that resides upstairs... heard me...and made sure everyone came out of the situation perfectly healthy. What more can I ask for?



I am going to adore this new role in my life, I can tell. I am going to visit Ashley and her daughter as much as I can. I can't wait to watch her grow up and become a young woman! Ashley, if you read this.. you are going to be a great mother, I can already tell by how nurturing and patient you are with Autumn. <3



After holding my little God daughter for the first time this weekend, I must say... something stirred within the very core of me. I used to be so adamant about never getting married and never having kids or starting a family of my very own. But, after meeting her and observing her cute chubby little cheeks and her adorable little hands and feet..... I feel as if I have changed. My 'clock' is by no means ticking, but I do feel this sense of creating another, smaller, part of me at some point in my future.



Of course I would prefer getting married first, and then having a child, but if that doesn't happen in that order... or hell not at all.... it won't be a big loss.... just a thought that resides in the back of my mind. I will give myself until my late 30's and by 40 if I'm not married then no way in hell would I try to have a child. We'll see... with my cynical view on love and relationships these days, the idea of being with a man and staying with one... it just seems like a such a foreign, far away concept at this point in time.



Right now, I'm just gonna care for me. And, spoil my little munchkin. :D



Here is a picture of myself and my beautiful God daughter.

I am a God Mother

HELLO WORLD,
I have the very, best, news ever. I have a new role in life. Not only am I a sister, daughter, niece, goddaughter, and friend... but now, I'm a GODMOTHER to my best friend's adorable baby girl, who was born 08/10/2011. She isn't even my own flesh and blood and I love her like she basically is. :) Her name is Autumn Mae Caratchea, and she is the spitting image of her beautiful mother, the lovely Ms. Ashley A. (I don't know if she wants me to mention her last name, so I shall refrain for privacy reasons).

I was so happy to see the both of them this past weekend. I am glad Ashley is doing better after her surgery, she is one tough cookie and handles pain exceptionally well. I actually said a prayer the morning Autumn was born. And, I'm sure as most of you know.. the older I get.. the less and less I seem to care about religion. Except when a family member or friend of mine is in trouble. And, I was worried for everyone involved that morning.

Luckily, whomever it is that resides upstairs... heard me...and made sure everyone came out of the situation perfectly healthy. What more can I ask for?

I am going to adore this new role in my life, I can tell. I am going to visit Ashley and her daughter as much as I can. I can't wait to watch her grow up and become a young woman! Ashley, if you read this.. you are going to be a great mother, I can already tell by how nurturing and patient you are with Autumn. <3

After holding my little God daughter for the first time this weekend, I must say... something stirred within the very core of me. I used to be so adamant about never getting married and never having kids or starting a family of my very own. But, after meeting her and observing her cute chubby little cheeks and her adorable little hands and feet..... I feel as if I have changed. My 'clock' is by no means ticking, but I do feel this sense of creating another, smaller, part of me at some point in my future.

Of course I would prefer getting married first, and then having a child, but if that doesn't happen in that order... or hell not at all.... it won't be a big loss.... just a thought that resides in the back of my mind. I will give myself until my late 30's and by 40 if I'm not married then no way in hell would I try to have a child. We'll see... with my cynical view on love and relationships these days, the idea of being with a man and staying with one... it just seems like a such a foreign, far away concept at this point in time.

Right now, I'm just gonna care for me. And, spoil my little munchkin. :D

Here is a picture of myself and my beautiful God daughter.

Je suis un fille....

From L-R ( Tabs, Ashley, Katie, Amanda, and yours truly) <3

The beautiful Ashley will be expecting her first child, an adorable babygurl in a month! :) I am so excited to be her Godmother, and I can't wait to spoil the little one rotten.

Amanda (shh... don't tell anyone... will probably be getting engaged soon!) :) I am so excited and happy for these awesome changes for both of my friends. It feels great to feel happiness for someone else sometimes.

I don't know if I spelled that right or not, and to be quite honest, I don't really care either.

I just got back from an amazing weekend with my college gurls. It was wonderful seeing everyone, since we are all so far apart these days, it makes it even more special when we see each other for just a weekend at a time. Each of my friends has something so wonderful, so rare, and beautiful about them, I honestly don't know how I would've made it through college without these girls!

The break ups, the heartaches, the classes, the failed exams, the disappointments, the parties, the gossip, the drama, etc. My college experience certainly would not have been the same without them. And, there is only one thing I would change.... my dating history.

Throughout my college career, I had two serious relationships practically back to back. Because I'm an idiot. One was a very verbally abusive relationship that lasted for only a year and a half (thank God), and the other was just an awkward long distance association for 2 and a half years. Make no mistake, I was crushed when both of them came to an end, but I should've 'casually' dated more in college.

I mean, that's what it's for, right? It seems like some people go to college to find a husband or a wife, while others go there to have fun. Well, I fell into neither one of those categories, and although I learned quite a bit about myself, it still just feels pointless looking back on it now.... So, I am going to start 'reliving' my lost college years now. I need to do this for myself, once I am healthier, and ready to enter the world of dating again, I am going to keep things simple. No more opening up too much and letting someone else in, I'm going to make them work for it this time. No more easy shit. I am keeping my heartstrings locked away this time, for a very long time.

Plus the single life has it's lonely moments, and it's fun ones too. :) I plan on the latter, but in a cautious and safe sense, der.

I've been applying to other positions both in the insurance industry and out, I do not feel it is appropriate to explain my reasons here. If any of you are curious, don't hesitate to email me or send me a message, I will answer why personally that way. Plus, with wandering eyes over the internet, I have to be careful what I say, etc. etc. I certainly have not found my 'niche' in life. I feel as if I am destined to be one of those wandering souls that just walks the earth aimlessly trying to find my 'one true calling'. I always thought it would be in the writing field, and I still think it is. But sometimes I think I should've studied to become a nurse, or pursued acting, or paranormal sciences. I am just all over the place with this stuff.... one day I will figure it all out, and be sure to let you all know when in the hell that is!!!! Hehehe

I think my fish oil pills are helping boost my mood. Still, I have my blues more frequently these days than others, but there are various outside factors that come into play for that. I don't feel like going into here. Some are controllable, and others are not. Se la vie, right? That's just how shit goes.

Well, I'm out of stuff to write about... so here are some pics from my weekend! Enjoy! :)

Je suis un fille....

From L-R ( Tabs, Ashley, Katie, Amanda, and yours truly) <3

The beautiful Ashley will be expecting her first child, an adorable babygurl in a month! :) I am so excited to be her Godmother, and I can't wait to spoil the little one rotten.

Amanda (shh... don't tell anyone... will probably be getting engaged soon!) :) I am so excited and happy for these awesome changes for both of my friends. It feels great to feel happiness for someone else sometimes.

I don't know if I spelled that right or not, and to be quite honest, I don't really care either.

I just got back from an amazing weekend with my college gurls. It was wonderful seeing everyone, since we are all so far apart these days, it makes it even more special when we see each other for just a weekend at a time. Each of my friends has something so wonderful, so rare, and beautiful about them, I honestly don't know how I would've made it through college without these girls!

The break ups, the heartaches, the classes, the failed exams, the disappointments, the parties, the gossip, the drama, etc. My college experience certainly would not have been the same without them. And, there is only one thing I would change.... my dating history.

Throughout my college career, I had two serious relationships practically back to back. Because I'm an idiot. One was a very verbally abusive relationship that lasted for only a year and a half (thank God), and the other was just an awkward long distance association for 2 and a half years. Make no mistake, I was crushed when both of them came to an end, but I should've 'casually' dated more in college.

I mean, that's what it's for, right? It seems like some people go to college to find a husband or a wife, while others go there to have fun. Well, I fell into neither one of those categories, and although I learned quite a bit about myself, it still just feels pointless looking back on it now.... So, I am going to start 'reliving' my lost college years now. I need to do this for myself, once I am healthier, and ready to enter the world of dating again, I am going to keep things simple. No more opening up too much and letting someone else in, I'm going to make them work for it this time. No more easy shit. I am keeping my heartstrings locked away this time, for a very long time.

Plus the single life has it's lonely moments, and it's fun ones too. :) I plan on the latter, but in a cautious and safe sense, der.

I've been applying to other positions both in the insurance industry and out, I do not feel it is appropriate to explain my reasons here. If any of you are curious, don't hesitate to email me or send me a message, I will answer why personally that way. Plus, with wandering eyes over the internet, I have to be careful what I say, etc. etc. I certainly have not found my 'niche' in life. I feel as if I am destined to be one of those wandering souls that just walks the earth aimlessly trying to find my 'one true calling'. I always thought it would be in the writing field, and I still think it is. But sometimes I think I should've studied to become a nurse, or pursued acting, or paranormal sciences. I am just all over the place with this stuff.... one day I will figure it all out, and be sure to let you all know when in the hell that is!!!! Hehehe

I think my fish oil pills are helping boost my mood. Still, I have my blues more frequently these days than others, but there are various outside factors that come into play for that. I don't feel like going into here. Some are controllable, and others are not. Se la vie, right? That's just how shit goes.

Well, I'm out of stuff to write about... so here are some pics from my weekend! Enjoy! :)

Life, Ever Changing

Well, a lot has changed for me in the past few weeks. But, that is life I suppose. It keeps things interesting at the very least.

I'm a single woman now, stuff happens I guess. It just wasn't working out, and I'm going to leave it at that. I don't have mean or bitter feelings towards the other party, only slight confusion as to why I believed things I probably shouldn't have for so long. Again, an error on my part. I have no hard feelings for you, and I appreciate you giving me the space I need... that's all on that topic for now.

I also found out from my 'lady doc' that my immune system is severely compromised. This is of course, due to my horrible diet and lack of exercise. Both of which, I am changing drastically. I take vitamins and eat veggies now. I hate veggies, so it's obviously quite serious! I am not ashamed in this next sentence, I am pretty much an open book for the most part, and I don't really have a problem sharing things here. I have been diagnosed with HPV or more commonly known as: human papilloma virus. This doesn't make me a freak or a ho, or anything nasty like that.

If one does their research, one will find that 80% of sexually active individuals have it, have never been tested for it (or chose not to), and continuously infect others without ever realizing it. It's sickening just how common it really is. The dangerous factor, is that it can potentially cause cervical, vaginal, or uterine cancer in some women. The most common of course, is cervical. I had a ridiculously painful procedure called a 'colposcopy' sp? Basically they needed to take samples, and luckily I do not have any precancerous cells developing in my body.

Supposedly you can get rid of it over time, but who knows. I am definitely making that my goal. Most people fight it off on their own, but it's such a new 'phenomenon' of sorts, that even experts don't know if it can flare up again at a later time. I will fight this thing. And, I think it's important to advocate the vaccine before you are sexually active because the vaccine treats 4 types of high risk strains of HPV that do lead to the cancerous cells. I had the injections before I was sexually active, and it still didn't prevent the lower strains from infecting my body.

Either way... get tested, get vaccinated, and make sure you know and trust your sexual partners. I did, and still do know them and their sexual history. I think that's important too, don't ever be ashamed to ask whoever you are with for days, months, or even years... how many people they have been with before you. The saying goes 'however many people they slept with, you have slept with them too'. And, it's true. Keep it open and honest. I live by that rule.

And, the men that I have dated either seriously or casually do not mind opening up and telling me just how many 'relationships', 'hook ups', or casual 'one night stands' they have had. I mean, after all... it is in the past... and it should stay there. Just be smart everyone.

I thought I was being careful, but it looks like I probably should have been more careful. Plus, my health is my own fault. I really do need to watch my diet and exercise. My laziness affected my body in the worst way possible.

Now, onto something different. I really want to move out. Before I turn 30. I have no idea if this is even possible or not, but I sure as hell am going to try. A girl can dream, can't she????? I have one willing maybe roomie, so here's to hoping for a few more so we can get the ball rolling and be independent 'adults' or as much as we all can be.


Also, I am happy because True Blood is back, and it brings joy to my blackened soul.

Life, Ever Changing

Well, a lot has changed for me in the past few weeks. But, that is life I suppose. It keeps things interesting at the very least.

I'm a single woman now, stuff happens I guess. It just wasn't working out, and I'm going to leave it at that. I don't have mean or bitter feelings towards the other party, only slight confusion as to why I believed things I probably shouldn't have for so long. Again, an error on my part. I have no hard feelings for you, and I appreciate you giving me the space I need... that's all on that topic for now.

I also found out from my 'lady doc' that my immune system is severely compromised. This is of course, due to my horrible diet and lack of exercise. Both of which, I am changing drastically. I take vitamins and eat veggies now. I hate veggies, so it's obviously quite serious! I am not ashamed in this next sentence, I am pretty much an open book for the most part, and I don't really have a problem sharing things here. I have been diagnosed with HPV or more commonly known as: human papilloma virus. This doesn't make me a freak or a ho, or anything nasty like that.

If one does their research, one will find that 80% of sexually active individuals have it, have never been tested for it (or chose not to), and continuously infect others without ever realizing it. It's sickening just how common it really is. The dangerous factor, is that it can potentially cause cervical, vaginal, or uterine cancer in some women. The most common of course, is cervical. I had a ridiculously painful procedure called a 'colposcopy' sp? Basically they needed to take samples, and luckily I do not have any precancerous cells developing in my body.

Supposedly you can get rid of it over time, but who knows. I am definitely making that my goal. Most people fight it off on their own, but it's such a new 'phenomenon' of sorts, that even experts don't know if it can flare up again at a later time. I will fight this thing. And, I think it's important to advocate the vaccine before you are sexually active because the vaccine treats 4 types of high risk strains of HPV that do lead to the cancerous cells. I had the injections before I was sexually active, and it still didn't prevent the lower strains from infecting my body.

Either way... get tested, get vaccinated, and make sure you know and trust your sexual partners. I did, and still do know them and their sexual history. I think that's important too, don't ever be ashamed to ask whoever you are with for days, months, or even years... how many people they have been with before you. The saying goes 'however many people they slept with, you have slept with them too'. And, it's true. Keep it open and honest. I live by that rule.

And, the men that I have dated either seriously or casually do not mind opening up and telling me just how many 'relationships', 'hook ups', or casual 'one night stands' they have had. I mean, after all... it is in the past... and it should stay there. Just be smart everyone.

I thought I was being careful, but it looks like I probably should have been more careful. Plus, my health is my own fault. I really do need to watch my diet and exercise. My laziness affected my body in the worst way possible.

Now, onto something different. I really want to move out. Before I turn 30. I have no idea if this is even possible or not, but I sure as hell am going to try. A girl can dream, can't she????? I have one willing maybe roomie, so here's to hoping for a few more so we can get the ball rolling and be independent 'adults' or as much as we all can be.


Also, I am happy because True Blood is back, and it brings joy to my blackened soul.

Pure Horror

I do love horror movies.
The fear.
The adrenaline.
The hero/heroine.
The music.
The special effects.
And, I want to write a screenplay.
I really do.

Here are some of my all time faves:
The sexy wife of Rob Zombie. Sherri Moon Zombie, she is the star in all of his movies. How very sweet.

The adorable stars of the remake of Halloween.