A Damaged Aura

Earlier this evening. My mom bought me an 'aura' reading as a late birthday present. Now, I do believe that every living thing on this earth has an energy, soul, and an electric pulse that flows through each and every one of us. The lady I saw tonight, was very spiritual. She made it clear in her belief in church, prayer, and above all things God- a higher power/being. When I was much younger, I used to be rather religious. I went to Sunday school like Mom and Dad told me, I prayed every night before bed, and I vowed to remain pure until marriage. (I didn't really want to keep that vow, and to be honest I didn't feel much guilt when I broke it either). I guess the 'God' or whatever power I believe in, understands the human condition and our primal need for sex. At least in my world. Maybe Jesus was a pimp, I bet he was good looking after all. You just never know. Anyways, I have been putting a front on lately. Only those that see me everyday, or are close to me can tell that my front is just a come on. That when I tell people I am fine, I am not really fine. I am a lost, broken down shell of a human being, a part of me is dead, that part died the afternoon my Daddy died. I've tried so hard to suppress this. People have their own issues to worry about, there's no need to concern them. I guess I am more transparent than I thought.

Of course, this lady tonight is a scam artist fishing for information, as well as her own living, but in some of the things she said... there was truth. A scary truth. She knew from simply touching my hand that I had been through something traumatic this year (a common guess naysayers would suggest, and it might be right) but, before she even mentioned that. She commented on my aura, my personal spiritual energy. She said I am surrounded by negative energy, and that I am lost, my 'spirit' is in pain. Strong emotional and mental pain. The lady was right. I am in constant emotional pain every day. She asked me if have lost my faith in God. I was afraid to offend a seemingly religious woman, but I told her yes.

My faith in the Lord Almighty fades daily. I guess I am ready to tell everyone why. Since the age of about 13 up until last year.. I would say one common prayer every night. I would thank the good Lord for my family and friends all around me. And, then I would ask this "Please keep my family and friends, safe, happy, healthy, and well out of harm's way" that is all I ask. Nothing to do with me. I didn't beg the Lord to find me a man, I didn't beg the Lord for money. All I asked was for the most precious people in my life to remain those three things... safe, happy, and healthy. Guess what? My prayers went unanswered. Eventually both of my grandmothers rotted away in nursing homes. One from Dementia for 10 years, the other from Alzheimer's.. she lasted only one year because of her age.. my Yia Yia died this summer. Then, my Daddy. My beloved Daddy, one of the kindest Christians that I know. Was taken from me unexpectedly as my Mom watched him fade before her very eyes in the grocery store. That's where he fell, that's where it happened. She was all alone in the ambulance with him because I was closing at work. My Daddy was only 59 years old and he died a day before he and my mom's birthday. Completely unfair. I run that week over and over again in my mind everyday, I have nightmares. It is hell.

Well, I told the aura lady this information. And then, I start crying. I feel like an idiot at this point, I don't much like breaking down and feeling vulnerable in front of complete strangers. Then, my Mom starts crying. A few seconds later, the aura lady herself begins to cry because I reminded her of the death of both of her parents when she was just 16 years old. Her tears were real. The scam artist stopped for a second, and a real person emerged. She told me that the loss of her parents hurts more now, than it did then. It is as I feared. I will never feel right about the loss of a parent. I will wake up everyday, a little bit stronger... but still.. dead inside. She said the pain will never go away, that I need to save my spiritual self.. and begin prayer. I am very skeptical about this prayer. I do feel an emptiness, but writing, my family, my friends, and I wouldn't mind trying meditation.... that all might help me come around. Who really knows.

All I gathered from this evening is that I am a depressed, dark soul, with the potential to be something better than what I am now. I know all of this. I just thought I hid it better. I guess I need to work on that. The experience was for entertainment purposes only. Although again, I do believe in our individual energies, and I have no doubt.. my spiritual self.. or what's left of it is blackened with sadness.

I think I have a lifelong journey in search of inner peace ahead of me.

I need to find a good path to start. Maybe tonight was just the beginning....

A Damaged Aura

Earlier this evening. My mom bought me an 'aura' reading as a late birthday present. Now, I do believe that every living thing on this earth has an energy, soul, and an electric pulse that flows through each and every one of us. The lady I saw tonight, was very spiritual. She made it clear in her belief in church, prayer, and above all things God- a higher power/being. When I was much younger, I used to be rather religious. I went to Sunday school like Mom and Dad told me, I prayed every night before bed, and I vowed to remain pure until marriage. (I didn't really want to keep that vow, and to be honest I didn't feel much guilt when I broke it either). I guess the 'God' or whatever power I believe in, understands the human condition and our primal need for sex. At least in my world. Maybe Jesus was a pimp, I bet he was good looking after all. You just never know. Anyways, I have been putting a front on lately. Only those that see me everyday, or are close to me can tell that my front is just a come on. That when I tell people I am fine, I am not really fine. I am a lost, broken down shell of a human being, a part of me is dead, that part died the afternoon my Daddy died. I've tried so hard to suppress this. People have their own issues to worry about, there's no need to concern them. I guess I am more transparent than I thought.

Of course, this lady tonight is a scam artist fishing for information, as well as her own living, but in some of the things she said... there was truth. A scary truth. She knew from simply touching my hand that I had been through something traumatic this year (a common guess naysayers would suggest, and it might be right) but, before she even mentioned that. She commented on my aura, my personal spiritual energy. She said I am surrounded by negative energy, and that I am lost, my 'spirit' is in pain. Strong emotional and mental pain. The lady was right. I am in constant emotional pain every day. She asked me if have lost my faith in God. I was afraid to offend a seemingly religious woman, but I told her yes.

My faith in the Lord Almighty fades daily. I guess I am ready to tell everyone why. Since the age of about 13 up until last year.. I would say one common prayer every night. I would thank the good Lord for my family and friends all around me. And, then I would ask this "Please keep my family and friends, safe, happy, healthy, and well out of harm's way" that is all I ask. Nothing to do with me. I didn't beg the Lord to find me a man, I didn't beg the Lord for money. All I asked was for the most precious people in my life to remain those three things... safe, happy, and healthy. Guess what? My prayers went unanswered. Eventually both of my grandmothers rotted away in nursing homes. One from Dementia for 10 years, the other from Alzheimer's.. she lasted only one year because of her age.. my Yia Yia died this summer. Then, my Daddy. My beloved Daddy, one of the kindest Christians that I know. Was taken from me unexpectedly as my Mom watched him fade before her very eyes in the grocery store. That's where he fell, that's where it happened. She was all alone in the ambulance with him because I was closing at work. My Daddy was only 59 years old and he died a day before he and my mom's birthday. Completely unfair. I run that week over and over again in my mind everyday, I have nightmares. It is hell.

Well, I told the aura lady this information. And then, I start crying. I feel like an idiot at this point, I don't much like breaking down and feeling vulnerable in front of complete strangers. Then, my Mom starts crying. A few seconds later, the aura lady herself begins to cry because I reminded her of the death of both of her parents when she was just 16 years old. Her tears were real. The scam artist stopped for a second, and a real person emerged. She told me that the loss of her parents hurts more now, than it did then. It is as I feared. I will never feel right about the loss of a parent. I will wake up everyday, a little bit stronger... but still.. dead inside. She said the pain will never go away, that I need to save my spiritual self.. and begin prayer. I am very skeptical about this prayer. I do feel an emptiness, but writing, my family, my friends, and I wouldn't mind trying meditation.... that all might help me come around. Who really knows.

All I gathered from this evening is that I am a depressed, dark soul, with the potential to be something better than what I am now. I know all of this. I just thought I hid it better. I guess I need to work on that. The experience was for entertainment purposes only. Although again, I do believe in our individual energies, and I have no doubt.. my spiritual self.. or what's left of it is blackened with sadness.

I think I have a lifelong journey in search of inner peace ahead of me.

I need to find a good path to start. Maybe tonight was just the beginning....

Uneasy

I am uncomfortable working at a restaurant that makes employees and their customers ill. Seriously. Wtf? We have this awful flu like virus going around, and if symptoms become severe enough a hospital stay is basically encouraged or death due to dehydration can occur. Now, let me make it clear NO ONE HAS DIED SO FAR. And, I hope no one does.. that would be terrible. :( Here's the back story.. my friend Steph became violently ill while we were closing one night. I'm talking, abnormally so. The poor kid was puking in garbage cans and running to and fro from the bathroom. She was losing important fluids in her body, and fast. She looked as pale as a sheet.. and I was worried for her. I was worried she would faint, but didn't. She spent the night in the hospital, with IV's stuck in her arms to ensure the fluids were replenished. Pretty scary.

A couple days later Kelly, my friend Jen, Jackie, and rumor has it even customers become ill. I don't know what happened to Kelly, if she went to the hospital or not. All I know is Jen's children had a bout of it, and her little girl had to go to the hospital too.

I get a fever Tuesday night. 100.3. Nothing really, but I felt like ass. Then, the following day, last night I puke my brains out. Only twice thankfully. I feel weak as hell, and I am afraid to eat, and afraid to go back to work in a weakened state and get sick again. I don't want to go to the hospital. I fucking hate hospitals, and IV's and all that shit.

What is wrong with our store? Is it just our store? Or, others as well? Seriously. The sanitation people observed everything and said we were one of the cleanest stores they have seen in awhile. If this is the case, why is everyone becoming sick? Are customers bringing the illness in? Or, did it start with us? I'm not a doctor.. and I don't have the answers, but I will say this. Every person that doesn't wash their hands after going to the bathroom, picking their damn noses or asscracks... should have their hands chopped off. It takes a few minutes to put a little soap on your hands and run some hot water. I want to beat people that don't take care of themselves, cause guess what? You make everybody else sick... you stupidass fools.

Sometimes I want to slap the human race. I mean it. We are so dumb it drives me up the wall.

It has to be PMS that makes me feel this way, but seriously.. I'm gonna walk around with a machete....sigh. Imbeciles.

Uneasy

I am uncomfortable working at a restaurant that makes employees and their customers ill. Seriously. Wtf? We have this awful flu like virus going around, and if symptoms become severe enough a hospital stay is basically encouraged or death due to dehydration can occur. Now, let me make it clear NO ONE HAS DIED SO FAR. And, I hope no one does.. that would be terrible. :( Here's the back story.. my friend Steph became violently ill while we were closing one night. I'm talking, abnormally so. The poor kid was puking in garbage cans and running to and fro from the bathroom. She was losing important fluids in her body, and fast. She looked as pale as a sheet.. and I was worried for her. I was worried she would faint, but didn't. She spent the night in the hospital, with IV's stuck in her arms to ensure the fluids were replenished. Pretty scary.

A couple days later Kelly, my friend Jen, Jackie, and rumor has it even customers become ill. I don't know what happened to Kelly, if she went to the hospital or not. All I know is Jen's children had a bout of it, and her little girl had to go to the hospital too.

I get a fever Tuesday night. 100.3. Nothing really, but I felt like ass. Then, the following day, last night I puke my brains out. Only twice thankfully. I feel weak as hell, and I am afraid to eat, and afraid to go back to work in a weakened state and get sick again. I don't want to go to the hospital. I fucking hate hospitals, and IV's and all that shit.

What is wrong with our store? Is it just our store? Or, others as well? Seriously. The sanitation people observed everything and said we were one of the cleanest stores they have seen in awhile. If this is the case, why is everyone becoming sick? Are customers bringing the illness in? Or, did it start with us? I'm not a doctor.. and I don't have the answers, but I will say this. Every person that doesn't wash their hands after going to the bathroom, picking their damn noses or asscracks... should have their hands chopped off. It takes a few minutes to put a little soap on your hands and run some hot water. I want to beat people that don't take care of themselves, cause guess what? You make everybody else sick... you stupidass fools.

Sometimes I want to slap the human race. I mean it. We are so dumb it drives me up the wall.

It has to be PMS that makes me feel this way, but seriously.. I'm gonna walk around with a machete....sigh. Imbeciles.

Writings from a Random Mind

I had a pretty enjoyable weekend visiting my friend Tabitha in Mahomet. :) We also dropped by Bloomington (because she works in town) and visited Amanda, her bf Wes, and my ol neighbor Shirley! :D It was great catching up with everyone. Sometimes I really miss my college friends. I feel like I had a special bond with these people that my 'at home' friends don't seem to understand. Of course...I have different bonds with the people up here... but, still. College is it's own little world inside of a bigger one. Everything that happens in it is surrounded by friends. And, in real life... the world outside of that one, friends have their own lives to handle and are often scarce. Not on purpose, it just kind of happens that way. It bothers me every once in awhile, but I have become accustomed to it as of late. It's all a part of 'being an adult' and 'growing up'. What joy.

On my trip to Mahomet, IL... I took a different highway. Instead of the usual I-55, I took I-57 instead. At first, it scared the crap out of me because I didn't recognize any of my surroundings, but then... as the desolation loomed on... and the lane continued ahead of me, I calmed down and realized it wasn't so bad after all. It was actually kind of nice. I am really starting to enjoy long drives all by myself, with nothing but cornfields on either side of me, and the stretch of open road. I can blast my music, occasionally sing/ talk to myself.. and nobody says boo... because nobody is there.

The only issue I have is with my weak muscles, they tend to ache after an hour or so. I need to work on that. The right side of my neck has been throbbing for about 2 weeks now. I seriously killed that mofo. To the point where sleep is nonexistent. Sleep is instead replaced with an awful throbbing, that never ceases. I felt bad because I had to wake my friend up around 6am and ask her where the aspirin was located. I have sprained muscles before, but never this badly. It was truly awful. :( On a funnier note, if I were to accidently get a papercut, I would probably bleed out and die because of the left over aspirin in my system. I don't even remember how many pills I have taken last week. The thought disturbs me. I love Codeine. I am going to take some tonight so I can sleep, and not feel like crying... my neck is better.. but, still has a way to go.

Tabitha, Shirley, and myself had some awesome lady talk. Everything ranging from life and it's many complications, to school, to jobs, to relationships, to sex, to men, to women, it was just a lot of laughter and alot of fun. I truly miss those days when I could just walk over and hang out with these awesome girls. And, I can only hope we all schedule a get together in the future. HIT ME UP BABYGURL (that's for you, Shirley <3 ) I dunno if Tabs reads this... I WILL POUNCE THEE. And, I'm done with that, hehe.

I have an interview with Northshore Staffing this Weds. I am kinda nervous about it. I hate/love interviews all at the same time. I feel like they are such a tease. They make me feel a sense of worth, a small hope that I can make something of myself in this world, only to drag me along with the 'we'll call you' phrase. I feel like I just hooked up with somebody. Really? You aren't going to call, don't tell someone you are going to get back to them, when in fact, you aren't. Bastards! I do hope this interview goes well. I can't take much more of my job. I do feel violence looming inside of me every time I set foot in that store... every time a customer bitches at me about hot peppers and mayonnaise assuming that I actually give a crap. I don't. I'm ready to move on to the 'big girl' world, and do something with my life. I'm ready to zombie it behind a desk with a laptop in front of me, typing away to the bone tips of my fingers. I like typing. I like blogging. If only I could get paid good money to blog, assuming people actually like what I write of course.

I just want more out of my life, than what it is now. Right now, I am a latchkey college kid. I don't want to move out just yet though. I would feel bad leaving my Mom all alone in the house. That's why I'm hoping my Aunt moves in, so I won't feel bad. My Mom is all I have now. My only parent, and that is a suffocating thought unto itself. Sometimes I really sit back, and I really think about what I have lost, and it becomes overwhelming. I can't breathe, my chest starts to hurt, and I get these awful nightmares (while I'm wide awake) of my Daddy in the hospital unable to speak or function with tubes in and out of his body. It's terrible. I see him, and I feel that he is so afraid so alone, and there is nothing any of us can do to reach him. To tell him how much we all love him, and that it is ok for him to move on.

After watching my Dad die, I no longer fear death. I have seen its face, and it is one of peace and beauty. Not what you would think. I could swear he saw something wonderful before it happened. I remember he opened both of his eyes wide for the last time, and with his final gasp of air, smiled slightly... and then, that was it. Just like that, he was gone. I remember feeling a sense of relief... Dad is at peace now, and for whatever reason.. I felt a sense of comfort. Like he put his hand on my shoulder, telling me everything was going to be just fine. I felt him there.

I still feel him around me every once in awhile. I have had two dreams that I could swear were messages from him. One was where he and I were canoeing down a calm, blue, lake.. we were just talking. I woke up feeling happy, really happy.... I haven't felt that way in awhile. The second dream... he was hugging me... talking about '2 weeks' or something.. it's hard to remember now. I cried upon waking that time... it felt all too real, and I wish he was still here to hug me.

I think everyday is going to be a battle for happiness. And even though I will never feel its true form again, I am going to try to be strong. I am going to try to move on, because I know that's something he would want.

Yup, that's what I'm going to do.

We out.

Writings from a Random Mind

I had a pretty enjoyable weekend visiting my friend Tabitha in Mahomet. :) We also dropped by Bloomington (because she works in town) and visited Amanda, her bf Wes, and my ol neighbor Shirley! :D It was great catching up with everyone. Sometimes I really miss my college friends. I feel like I had a special bond with these people that my 'at home' friends don't seem to understand. Of course...I have different bonds with the people up here... but, still. College is it's own little world inside of a bigger one. Everything that happens in it is surrounded by friends. And, in real life... the world outside of that one, friends have their own lives to handle and are often scarce. Not on purpose, it just kind of happens that way. It bothers me every once in awhile, but I have become accustomed to it as of late. It's all a part of 'being an adult' and 'growing up'. What joy.

On my trip to Mahomet, IL... I took a different highway. Instead of the usual I-55, I took I-57 instead. At first, it scared the crap out of me because I didn't recognize any of my surroundings, but then... as the desolation loomed on... and the lane continued ahead of me, I calmed down and realized it wasn't so bad after all. It was actually kind of nice. I am really starting to enjoy long drives all by myself, with nothing but cornfields on either side of me, and the stretch of open road. I can blast my music, occasionally sing/ talk to myself.. and nobody says boo... because nobody is there.

The only issue I have is with my weak muscles, they tend to ache after an hour or so. I need to work on that. The right side of my neck has been throbbing for about 2 weeks now. I seriously killed that mofo. To the point where sleep is nonexistent. Sleep is instead replaced with an awful throbbing, that never ceases. I felt bad because I had to wake my friend up around 6am and ask her where the aspirin was located. I have sprained muscles before, but never this badly. It was truly awful. :( On a funnier note, if I were to accidently get a papercut, I would probably bleed out and die because of the left over aspirin in my system. I don't even remember how many pills I have taken last week. The thought disturbs me. I love Codeine. I am going to take some tonight so I can sleep, and not feel like crying... my neck is better.. but, still has a way to go.

Tabitha, Shirley, and myself had some awesome lady talk. Everything ranging from life and it's many complications, to school, to jobs, to relationships, to sex, to men, to women, it was just a lot of laughter and alot of fun. I truly miss those days when I could just walk over and hang out with these awesome girls. And, I can only hope we all schedule a get together in the future. HIT ME UP BABYGURL (that's for you, Shirley <3 ) I dunno if Tabs reads this... I WILL POUNCE THEE. And, I'm done with that, hehe.

I have an interview with Northshore Staffing this Weds. I am kinda nervous about it. I hate/love interviews all at the same time. I feel like they are such a tease. They make me feel a sense of worth, a small hope that I can make something of myself in this world, only to drag me along with the 'we'll call you' phrase. I feel like I just hooked up with somebody. Really? You aren't going to call, don't tell someone you are going to get back to them, when in fact, you aren't. Bastards! I do hope this interview goes well. I can't take much more of my job. I do feel violence looming inside of me every time I set foot in that store... every time a customer bitches at me about hot peppers and mayonnaise assuming that I actually give a crap. I don't. I'm ready to move on to the 'big girl' world, and do something with my life. I'm ready to zombie it behind a desk with a laptop in front of me, typing away to the bone tips of my fingers. I like typing. I like blogging. If only I could get paid good money to blog, assuming people actually like what I write of course.

I just want more out of my life, than what it is now. Right now, I am a latchkey college kid. I don't want to move out just yet though. I would feel bad leaving my Mom all alone in the house. That's why I'm hoping my Aunt moves in, so I won't feel bad. My Mom is all I have now. My only parent, and that is a suffocating thought unto itself. Sometimes I really sit back, and I really think about what I have lost, and it becomes overwhelming. I can't breathe, my chest starts to hurt, and I get these awful nightmares (while I'm wide awake) of my Daddy in the hospital unable to speak or function with tubes in and out of his body. It's terrible. I see him, and I feel that he is so afraid so alone, and there is nothing any of us can do to reach him. To tell him how much we all love him, and that it is ok for him to move on.

After watching my Dad die, I no longer fear death. I have seen its face, and it is one of peace and beauty. Not what you would think. I could swear he saw something wonderful before it happened. I remember he opened both of his eyes wide for the last time, and with his final gasp of air, smiled slightly... and then, that was it. Just like that, he was gone. I remember feeling a sense of relief... Dad is at peace now, and for whatever reason.. I felt a sense of comfort. Like he put his hand on my shoulder, telling me everything was going to be just fine. I felt him there.

I still feel him around me every once in awhile. I have had two dreams that I could swear were messages from him. One was where he and I were canoeing down a calm, blue, lake.. we were just talking. I woke up feeling happy, really happy.... I haven't felt that way in awhile. The second dream... he was hugging me... talking about '2 weeks' or something.. it's hard to remember now. I cried upon waking that time... it felt all too real, and I wish he was still here to hug me.

I think everyday is going to be a battle for happiness. And even though I will never feel its true form again, I am going to try to be strong. I am going to try to move on, because I know that's something he would want.

Yup, that's what I'm going to do.

We out.