Write or read anymore, and it makes me sad. I have no excuses to make myself feel better, I think it really is just pure laziness. I've lost my creative center my creative soul, and I desperately want to find it again. I feel like I need a muse, I need an inspiration to dive deep again, to be fearless, and really start writing that book I keep on saying I am going to write. WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM???? Why can't I just sit down and journal about my life anymore? Wait... wait... I think I know why... I think I'm afraid. I have so much to say, so very much to talk about to the pages of my journals it's pretty ridiculous. Not all of it is good or happy either. I think that's the scary part. I was in a pretty bad place for most of 2009 and the early part of 2010. What with the deaths of my Yia Yia and Dad, health problems with other members of my family, sucky job situations, and what not.... I stopped writing... and in so many ways... shut down.
I even think I am using that as an excuse, but I need to write about it. I need to let it out and allow myself to feel bad sometimes. But, I hate feeling that way I know sadness is a part of me now. Like the Bell Jar the wonderful Sylvia Plath so wrote about... it hangs over me... challenging me... waiting for me.... but, I don't want to let it win, and I do want to become creative again.
Like my wonderful Nouna once told me 'in all honesty, do you write your best pieces when you are happy?' No. It seems that no one does. I have to dig deep, and no matter what lies within... bring it out, accept it, and utilize it to make something of it. I sound like a fool.... hahaha.
I do love a good ramble. My mom and I have been working out at least two days a week when we can. I love that woman, she motivates me to be something better than what I am most days. As previously mentioned in older posts, I have a few autoimmune symptoms or diseases if you will that do actually require some type of exercise for me to function normally. No, it's actually true. If I don't exercise or challenge my muscles even in the smallest way... I feel like I am 90 years old. My muscles stiffen, and I am in PAIN. I'm not talking little pains here and there, I am talking serious and for real PAIN. Earlier this week, I did something to my knees, maybe I stretched incorrectly or did something to one of my joints.... but, they started throbbing. I mean, I could barely move them... and I could feel the tears coming. It reminded me of high school, when my symptoms of raynaud's went severely undiagnosed. It was excruciating.
I remember the night I knew something was wrong, my legs- knees, calves, feet, ankles started throbbing. I could barely walk. I crawled down the stairs crying and told my dad to take me to the emergency room. He freaked out and told me to just calm down. I told him I was in so much pain, I couldn't bare it, so he got a heating pad and he rubbed my knees, my arms, and my mom finally agreed for me to see a rheumatologist sp? They ran blood work for arthritis, lupus, and other scary ass diseases that cause pain. Nothing. It was just the beginning....
This has been the best year yet with Raynaud's. My new doctor prescribed me some kind of magic to open up my blood vessels which in turn helped nourish my muscles as well. Therefore, I became healthier, and now the aches are few and far between. I don't think this weather helps at all. Cold is hell for me. I hate it. I mean, really, really, hate it. It is difficult for me to function.
This weather better start improving soon, or I swear I am taking Dan, and my mama to either Louisiana (New Orleans- the French Quarter, Tennessee, or one of the Carolinas). This cold shit just isn't worth it!!!! (Dan, if you read this... we do not have to live with my mama.... but, she can live near us.. she'll make you Greek food) :D Just fun dreams, ya know?
In other news, things are going well in my life. Dan and I are doing great, and it sucks we only get to see each other one day a week. :( But hey, it makes that one day even better because we both appreciate it that much more. :) My mom and I are hanging in there, we have our good days, and we have our bad days. I can finally talk to her about my dad more now. She even opens up to me and tells me that she has dreams about him too. Baby steps...but, hey, it helps. I wish I had a stronger relationship with my sister, and I know it's my fault too, but we get along so much better when we don't live together. We are just so different!!! Night and Day. And, I'm the day.... yeah, I said it.
My job is....... my job. I do like it, most days, but there are true moments and things that I have been learning lately that I can't mention here.. that really make me think over everything. And, that's all I'm going to say about that.
I think I'm done writing for now.
Be back soon!!!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I Don't.....
Write or read anymore, and it makes me sad. I have no excuses to make myself feel better, I think it really is just pure laziness. I've lost my creative center my creative soul, and I desperately want to find it again. I feel like I need a muse, I need an inspiration to dive deep again, to be fearless, and really start writing that book I keep on saying I am going to write. WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM???? Why can't I just sit down and journal about my life anymore? Wait... wait... I think I know why... I think I'm afraid. I have so much to say, so very much to talk about to the pages of my journals it's pretty ridiculous. Not all of it is good or happy either. I think that's the scary part. I was in a pretty bad place for most of 2009 and the early part of 2010. What with the deaths of my Yia Yia and Dad, health problems with other members of my family, sucky job situations, and what not.... I stopped writing... and in so many ways... shut down.
I even think I am using that as an excuse, but I need to write about it. I need to let it out and allow myself to feel bad sometimes. But, I hate feeling that way I know sadness is a part of me now. Like the Bell Jar the wonderful Sylvia Plath so wrote about... it hangs over me... challenging me... waiting for me.... but, I don't want to let it win, and I do want to become creative again.
Like my wonderful Nouna once told me 'in all honesty, do you write your best pieces when you are happy?' No. It seems that no one does. I have to dig deep, and no matter what lies within... bring it out, accept it, and utilize it to make something of it. I sound like a fool.... hahaha.
I do love a good ramble. My mom and I have been working out at least two days a week when we can. I love that woman, she motivates me to be something better than what I am most days. As previously mentioned in older posts, I have a few autoimmune symptoms or diseases if you will that do actually require some type of exercise for me to function normally. No, it's actually true. If I don't exercise or challenge my muscles even in the smallest way... I feel like I am 90 years old. My muscles stiffen, and I am in PAIN. I'm not talking little pains here and there, I am talking serious and for real PAIN. Earlier this week, I did something to my knees, maybe I stretched incorrectly or did something to one of my joints.... but, they started throbbing. I mean, I could barely move them... and I could feel the tears coming. It reminded me of high school, when my symptoms of raynaud's went severely undiagnosed. It was excruciating.
I remember the night I knew something was wrong, my legs- knees, calves, feet, ankles started throbbing. I could barely walk. I crawled down the stairs crying and told my dad to take me to the emergency room. He freaked out and told me to just calm down. I told him I was in so much pain, I couldn't bare it, so he got a heating pad and he rubbed my knees, my arms, and my mom finally agreed for me to see a rheumatologist sp? They ran blood work for arthritis, lupus, and other scary ass diseases that cause pain. Nothing. It was just the beginning....
This has been the best year yet with Raynaud's. My new doctor prescribed me some kind of magic to open up my blood vessels which in turn helped nourish my muscles as well. Therefore, I became healthier, and now the aches are few and far between. I don't think this weather helps at all. Cold is hell for me. I hate it. I mean, really, really, hate it. It is difficult for me to function.
This weather better start improving soon, or I swear I am taking Dan, and my mama to either Louisiana (New Orleans- the French Quarter, Tennessee, or one of the Carolinas). This cold shit just isn't worth it!!!! (Dan, if you read this... we do not have to live with my mama.... but, she can live near us.. she'll make you Greek food) :D Just fun dreams, ya know?
In other news, things are going well in my life. Dan and I are doing great, and it sucks we only get to see each other one day a week. :( But hey, it makes that one day even better because we both appreciate it that much more. :) My mom and I are hanging in there, we have our good days, and we have our bad days. I can finally talk to her about my dad more now. She even opens up to me and tells me that she has dreams about him too. Baby steps...but, hey, it helps. I wish I had a stronger relationship with my sister, and I know it's my fault too, but we get along so much better when we don't live together. We are just so different!!! Night and Day. And, I'm the day.... yeah, I said it.
My job is....... my job. I do like it, most days, but there are true moments and things that I have been learning lately that I can't mention here.. that really make me think over everything. And, that's all I'm going to say about that.
I think I'm done writing for now.
Be back soon!!!
I even think I am using that as an excuse, but I need to write about it. I need to let it out and allow myself to feel bad sometimes. But, I hate feeling that way I know sadness is a part of me now. Like the Bell Jar the wonderful Sylvia Plath so wrote about... it hangs over me... challenging me... waiting for me.... but, I don't want to let it win, and I do want to become creative again.
Like my wonderful Nouna once told me 'in all honesty, do you write your best pieces when you are happy?' No. It seems that no one does. I have to dig deep, and no matter what lies within... bring it out, accept it, and utilize it to make something of it. I sound like a fool.... hahaha.
I do love a good ramble. My mom and I have been working out at least two days a week when we can. I love that woman, she motivates me to be something better than what I am most days. As previously mentioned in older posts, I have a few autoimmune symptoms or diseases if you will that do actually require some type of exercise for me to function normally. No, it's actually true. If I don't exercise or challenge my muscles even in the smallest way... I feel like I am 90 years old. My muscles stiffen, and I am in PAIN. I'm not talking little pains here and there, I am talking serious and for real PAIN. Earlier this week, I did something to my knees, maybe I stretched incorrectly or did something to one of my joints.... but, they started throbbing. I mean, I could barely move them... and I could feel the tears coming. It reminded me of high school, when my symptoms of raynaud's went severely undiagnosed. It was excruciating.
I remember the night I knew something was wrong, my legs- knees, calves, feet, ankles started throbbing. I could barely walk. I crawled down the stairs crying and told my dad to take me to the emergency room. He freaked out and told me to just calm down. I told him I was in so much pain, I couldn't bare it, so he got a heating pad and he rubbed my knees, my arms, and my mom finally agreed for me to see a rheumatologist sp? They ran blood work for arthritis, lupus, and other scary ass diseases that cause pain. Nothing. It was just the beginning....
This has been the best year yet with Raynaud's. My new doctor prescribed me some kind of magic to open up my blood vessels which in turn helped nourish my muscles as well. Therefore, I became healthier, and now the aches are few and far between. I don't think this weather helps at all. Cold is hell for me. I hate it. I mean, really, really, hate it. It is difficult for me to function.
This weather better start improving soon, or I swear I am taking Dan, and my mama to either Louisiana (New Orleans- the French Quarter, Tennessee, or one of the Carolinas). This cold shit just isn't worth it!!!! (Dan, if you read this... we do not have to live with my mama.... but, she can live near us.. she'll make you Greek food) :D Just fun dreams, ya know?
In other news, things are going well in my life. Dan and I are doing great, and it sucks we only get to see each other one day a week. :( But hey, it makes that one day even better because we both appreciate it that much more. :) My mom and I are hanging in there, we have our good days, and we have our bad days. I can finally talk to her about my dad more now. She even opens up to me and tells me that she has dreams about him too. Baby steps...but, hey, it helps. I wish I had a stronger relationship with my sister, and I know it's my fault too, but we get along so much better when we don't live together. We are just so different!!! Night and Day. And, I'm the day.... yeah, I said it.
My job is....... my job. I do like it, most days, but there are true moments and things that I have been learning lately that I can't mention here.. that really make me think over everything. And, that's all I'm going to say about that.
I think I'm done writing for now.
Be back soon!!!
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