I don't know if she will ever read this. Or, if she even wants to. But, my mama is a strong beautiful woman, and even when I tell her that she still doesn't believe me! She is one tough cookie. After losing her mother and husband in one year, somehow she still has a positive outlook on life.
After failing the IL Insurance exam for the... 4th time now.. and feeling like a complete loser... I did some research on test anxiety at work. And, of course anxiety is linked to depression. Now, let me clarify something. I am not a depressed person. I am not on antidepressants, and I don't want to kill myself. That's ridiculous. Here's my view on it... my mom explained it perfectly... she thinks I have 'emotional/situational depression'. In other words, it comes in waves. Some last longer than others, but it by no means is an everyday... constant thing. I have friends that have it the other way, and I worry about them all the time.... back on topic...
I am a pessimist. Through and through.. my father's daughter til the end of time.. he and I just see the world with a cynical eye and we always believed people were secretly conspiring stories behind our backs... my dad and I had trust issues with other people. He with his coworkers, and myself with some of my friends... who I wound up dropping in the long run anyway. I love my dad with every fiber of my being. He was a great man, and I miss him every single day. I still cry myself to sleep every once in awhile, and I'm still angry that he isn't around. I'm not angry at anyone... I'm just... angry. I always expect the worst, so when something good happens I can appreciate it more. Bullshit, I know.
Today, my mama gave me a list of everything I should be thankful for... here it is:
1. I graduated high school/college
2. I have a family that loves and cares for me
3. I have a roof over my head
4. I have food on the table
5. I have a job
6. I have wonderful friends
My question is. Why can't I see any of these things? Seriously why? I need to change the way I think about my life, my situation, and most importantly myself. I am very, very, hard on myself. I want to do the very best I can at everything... I want to give it 100%, and I want to excel at my job. So, when I fail.... I beat myself up... verbally, emotionally, big time. It's the way I have always been. Alot like my daddy... very anxious and sometimes stressed out.
This worries my mom. And, she's got enough on her plate. So, I am going to take the wise lady's advice... and think POSITIVELY... instead of NEGATIVELY.
My goal is to find something to laugh about each and everyday.
That's all for now folks.
I love you, Mama!!!!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Ode to my Mama
I don't know if she will ever read this. Or, if she even wants to. But, my mama is a strong beautiful woman, and even when I tell her that she still doesn't believe me! She is one tough cookie. After losing her mother and husband in one year, somehow she still has a positive outlook on life.
After failing the IL Insurance exam for the... 4th time now.. and feeling like a complete loser... I did some research on test anxiety at work. And, of course anxiety is linked to depression. Now, let me clarify something. I am not a depressed person. I am not on antidepressants, and I don't want to kill myself. That's ridiculous. Here's my view on it... my mom explained it perfectly... she thinks I have 'emotional/situational depression'. In other words, it comes in waves. Some last longer than others, but it by no means is an everyday... constant thing. I have friends that have it the other way, and I worry about them all the time.... back on topic...
I am a pessimist. Through and through.. my father's daughter til the end of time.. he and I just see the world with a cynical eye and we always believed people were secretly conspiring stories behind our backs... my dad and I had trust issues with other people. He with his coworkers, and myself with some of my friends... who I wound up dropping in the long run anyway. I love my dad with every fiber of my being. He was a great man, and I miss him every single day. I still cry myself to sleep every once in awhile, and I'm still angry that he isn't around. I'm not angry at anyone... I'm just... angry. I always expect the worst, so when something good happens I can appreciate it more. Bullshit, I know.
Today, my mama gave me a list of everything I should be thankful for... here it is:
1. I graduated high school/college
2. I have a family that loves and cares for me
3. I have a roof over my head
4. I have food on the table
5. I have a job
6. I have wonderful friends
My question is. Why can't I see any of these things? Seriously why? I need to change the way I think about my life, my situation, and most importantly myself. I am very, very, hard on myself. I want to do the very best I can at everything... I want to give it 100%, and I want to excel at my job. So, when I fail.... I beat myself up... verbally, emotionally, big time. It's the way I have always been. Alot like my daddy... very anxious and sometimes stressed out.
This worries my mom. And, she's got enough on her plate. So, I am going to take the wise lady's advice... and think POSITIVELY... instead of NEGATIVELY.
My goal is to find something to laugh about each and everyday.
That's all for now folks.
I love you, Mama!!!!
After failing the IL Insurance exam for the... 4th time now.. and feeling like a complete loser... I did some research on test anxiety at work. And, of course anxiety is linked to depression. Now, let me clarify something. I am not a depressed person. I am not on antidepressants, and I don't want to kill myself. That's ridiculous. Here's my view on it... my mom explained it perfectly... she thinks I have 'emotional/situational depression'. In other words, it comes in waves. Some last longer than others, but it by no means is an everyday... constant thing. I have friends that have it the other way, and I worry about them all the time.... back on topic...
I am a pessimist. Through and through.. my father's daughter til the end of time.. he and I just see the world with a cynical eye and we always believed people were secretly conspiring stories behind our backs... my dad and I had trust issues with other people. He with his coworkers, and myself with some of my friends... who I wound up dropping in the long run anyway. I love my dad with every fiber of my being. He was a great man, and I miss him every single day. I still cry myself to sleep every once in awhile, and I'm still angry that he isn't around. I'm not angry at anyone... I'm just... angry. I always expect the worst, so when something good happens I can appreciate it more. Bullshit, I know.
Today, my mama gave me a list of everything I should be thankful for... here it is:
1. I graduated high school/college
2. I have a family that loves and cares for me
3. I have a roof over my head
4. I have food on the table
5. I have a job
6. I have wonderful friends
My question is. Why can't I see any of these things? Seriously why? I need to change the way I think about my life, my situation, and most importantly myself. I am very, very, hard on myself. I want to do the very best I can at everything... I want to give it 100%, and I want to excel at my job. So, when I fail.... I beat myself up... verbally, emotionally, big time. It's the way I have always been. Alot like my daddy... very anxious and sometimes stressed out.
This worries my mom. And, she's got enough on her plate. So, I am going to take the wise lady's advice... and think POSITIVELY... instead of NEGATIVELY.
My goal is to find something to laugh about each and everyday.
That's all for now folks.
I love you, Mama!!!!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
It's 2011...
I can't believe it's 2011. The end of the world is just a year away. I'm excited.... aren't you? Jk. Well, my Christmas this year happened a little earlier because of family scheduling, but it was still a nice one overall.
My mom donated some money to this family that one of her colleague's is very close to. It's a pretty sad story. Basically, it's a family of two, a single mother and her daughter. The mother lost her job, and was unable to house her daughter. So, one of the daughter's friends is housing her for now. I'm not sure if anything has gotten any better for this family, but hopefully with some donations they will be able to get a house again (they could no longer afford to keep their home). I hate hearing stories like that. :(
This economy really needs to improve, and the middle class, like most of us, need to stop feeling the effects of it. I know, 'the rich keep getting richer, and the poor keep getting poorer'. Not fair. The rich should donate to charities, it should be mandatory by law. They have enough to go around, and that's all I'm saying for now.
So far, I've been studying bit by bit for the Illinois State Insurance Exam, or whatever you want to call it. I failed it the first time around, and it pissed me off so much I am determined to pass it the second time. I have notecards, and a better attitude this time around, so I am hoping for nothing but the best. I will probably study for most of the day tomm, because I take it on Weds at 10am. Better, then the first time around at 8am... who in the hell can function then, I mean seriously? My agent definitely needs/wants me licensed as soon as possible. That way, I can start making commissions. :) Then, from there actually find a way to get my own place by June. It would be nice, but we'll see.
By June I will no longer have a room because my aunt is moving in with us. It's for the best really. My mom will have company this way, and I will feel better about the whole thing. I just hate the idea of giving up my own space... and, no one really even asked me... but, that's for another day. If I can't move out by then, I will have to move into the office.... cue snarl now... I kind of want to live on my own somewhere close by. Close enough to family, my job, my friends, boyfriend... etc.
I really like the idea of having my own space for once. No roommates, no drama.... etc. But, I know with money the way it is, and single apartments are pretty expensive, realistically its not a possibility for me. Even, though its a nice one to think about. Sigh. It's a goal... and goals are always a good thing to have. And, to work towards.
Well, I don't have much else to say... I hope to stay at my position with State Farm, but you never know how life goes... that's why it's so important I do well on the exam.... I better damnit!!!! Yaaaarg!
Also, I miss reading books and writing creatively. I want to start writing/making up stories again.. I think working out, saving up for my own place, and writing stories shall be part of my New Year's resolution this year. Now, all I have to do is meet it.
I hope everyone had a happy new year.
Do keep in touch! ;)
My mom donated some money to this family that one of her colleague's is very close to. It's a pretty sad story. Basically, it's a family of two, a single mother and her daughter. The mother lost her job, and was unable to house her daughter. So, one of the daughter's friends is housing her for now. I'm not sure if anything has gotten any better for this family, but hopefully with some donations they will be able to get a house again (they could no longer afford to keep their home). I hate hearing stories like that. :(
This economy really needs to improve, and the middle class, like most of us, need to stop feeling the effects of it. I know, 'the rich keep getting richer, and the poor keep getting poorer'. Not fair. The rich should donate to charities, it should be mandatory by law. They have enough to go around, and that's all I'm saying for now.
So far, I've been studying bit by bit for the Illinois State Insurance Exam, or whatever you want to call it. I failed it the first time around, and it pissed me off so much I am determined to pass it the second time. I have notecards, and a better attitude this time around, so I am hoping for nothing but the best. I will probably study for most of the day tomm, because I take it on Weds at 10am. Better, then the first time around at 8am... who in the hell can function then, I mean seriously? My agent definitely needs/wants me licensed as soon as possible. That way, I can start making commissions. :) Then, from there actually find a way to get my own place by June. It would be nice, but we'll see.
By June I will no longer have a room because my aunt is moving in with us. It's for the best really. My mom will have company this way, and I will feel better about the whole thing. I just hate the idea of giving up my own space... and, no one really even asked me... but, that's for another day. If I can't move out by then, I will have to move into the office.... cue snarl now... I kind of want to live on my own somewhere close by. Close enough to family, my job, my friends, boyfriend... etc.
I really like the idea of having my own space for once. No roommates, no drama.... etc. But, I know with money the way it is, and single apartments are pretty expensive, realistically its not a possibility for me. Even, though its a nice one to think about. Sigh. It's a goal... and goals are always a good thing to have. And, to work towards.
Well, I don't have much else to say... I hope to stay at my position with State Farm, but you never know how life goes... that's why it's so important I do well on the exam.... I better damnit!!!! Yaaaarg!
Also, I miss reading books and writing creatively. I want to start writing/making up stories again.. I think working out, saving up for my own place, and writing stories shall be part of my New Year's resolution this year. Now, all I have to do is meet it.
I hope everyone had a happy new year.
Do keep in touch! ;)
It's 2011...
I can't believe it's 2011. The end of the world is just a year away. I'm excited.... aren't you? Jk. Well, my Christmas this year happened a little earlier because of family scheduling, but it was still a nice one overall.
My mom donated some money to this family that one of her colleague's is very close to. It's a pretty sad story. Basically, it's a family of two, a single mother and her daughter. The mother lost her job, and was unable to house her daughter. So, one of the daughter's friends is housing her for now. I'm not sure if anything has gotten any better for this family, but hopefully with some donations they will be able to get a house again (they could no longer afford to keep their home). I hate hearing stories like that. :(
This economy really needs to improve, and the middle class, like most of us, need to stop feeling the effects of it. I know, 'the rich keep getting richer, and the poor keep getting poorer'. Not fair. The rich should donate to charities, it should be mandatory by law. They have enough to go around, and that's all I'm saying for now.
So far, I've been studying bit by bit for the Illinois State Insurance Exam, or whatever you want to call it. I failed it the first time around, and it pissed me off so much I am determined to pass it the second time. I have notecards, and a better attitude this time around, so I am hoping for nothing but the best. I will probably study for most of the day tomm, because I take it on Weds at 10am. Better, then the first time around at 8am... who in the hell can function then, I mean seriously? My agent definitely needs/wants me licensed as soon as possible. That way, I can start making commissions. :) Then, from there actually find a way to get my own place by June. It would be nice, but we'll see.
By June I will no longer have a room because my aunt is moving in with us. It's for the best really. My mom will have company this way, and I will feel better about the whole thing. I just hate the idea of giving up my own space... and, no one really even asked me... but, that's for another day. If I can't move out by then, I will have to move into the office.... cue snarl now... I kind of want to live on my own somewhere close by. Close enough to family, my job, my friends, boyfriend... etc.
I really like the idea of having my own space for once. No roommates, no drama.... etc. But, I know with money the way it is, and single apartments are pretty expensive, realistically its not a possibility for me. Even, though its a nice one to think about. Sigh. It's a goal... and goals are always a good thing to have. And, to work towards.
Well, I don't have much else to say... I hope to stay at my position with State Farm, but you never know how life goes... that's why it's so important I do well on the exam.... I better damnit!!!! Yaaaarg!
Also, I miss reading books and writing creatively. I want to start writing/making up stories again.. I think working out, saving up for my own place, and writing stories shall be part of my New Year's resolution this year. Now, all I have to do is meet it.
I hope everyone had a happy new year.
Do keep in touch! ;)
My mom donated some money to this family that one of her colleague's is very close to. It's a pretty sad story. Basically, it's a family of two, a single mother and her daughter. The mother lost her job, and was unable to house her daughter. So, one of the daughter's friends is housing her for now. I'm not sure if anything has gotten any better for this family, but hopefully with some donations they will be able to get a house again (they could no longer afford to keep their home). I hate hearing stories like that. :(
This economy really needs to improve, and the middle class, like most of us, need to stop feeling the effects of it. I know, 'the rich keep getting richer, and the poor keep getting poorer'. Not fair. The rich should donate to charities, it should be mandatory by law. They have enough to go around, and that's all I'm saying for now.
So far, I've been studying bit by bit for the Illinois State Insurance Exam, or whatever you want to call it. I failed it the first time around, and it pissed me off so much I am determined to pass it the second time. I have notecards, and a better attitude this time around, so I am hoping for nothing but the best. I will probably study for most of the day tomm, because I take it on Weds at 10am. Better, then the first time around at 8am... who in the hell can function then, I mean seriously? My agent definitely needs/wants me licensed as soon as possible. That way, I can start making commissions. :) Then, from there actually find a way to get my own place by June. It would be nice, but we'll see.
By June I will no longer have a room because my aunt is moving in with us. It's for the best really. My mom will have company this way, and I will feel better about the whole thing. I just hate the idea of giving up my own space... and, no one really even asked me... but, that's for another day. If I can't move out by then, I will have to move into the office.... cue snarl now... I kind of want to live on my own somewhere close by. Close enough to family, my job, my friends, boyfriend... etc.
I really like the idea of having my own space for once. No roommates, no drama.... etc. But, I know with money the way it is, and single apartments are pretty expensive, realistically its not a possibility for me. Even, though its a nice one to think about. Sigh. It's a goal... and goals are always a good thing to have. And, to work towards.
Well, I don't have much else to say... I hope to stay at my position with State Farm, but you never know how life goes... that's why it's so important I do well on the exam.... I better damnit!!!! Yaaaarg!
Also, I miss reading books and writing creatively. I want to start writing/making up stories again.. I think working out, saving up for my own place, and writing stories shall be part of my New Year's resolution this year. Now, all I have to do is meet it.
I hope everyone had a happy new year.
Do keep in touch! ;)
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