It's a sad thing... when summers end. I've always associated summers with childhood... carefree, fun, that sort of feeling has since diminished in my life and is now replaced with jobs, loans, and an uncertain yet hopefully exciting future.. that I can't see in to or imagine how things are going to pan out....
This summer felt different. I see it as the last of it's kind. For me at least. I was able to travel to Hawaii, Oklahoma, and Wisconsin in one summer. And, somehow through careful planning I didn't have to break the bank (mainly because my Dad helped out with the flight to Okie.. I am so grateful for that). (And, James, Ashley's fiance helped with the flight out to Hawaii).
It was difficult for me to accept that trip at first, because I have a really hard time asking for help with money stuff from people outside of my family. You can tell I have bratty tendencies when I feel that my parents should volunteer to help out with a few things, I hate that they have to, but at the same time.. I want them to. Friends on the other hand shouldn't have to worry about such things at all... which is why James is so very kind in allowing me to visit Ashley in paradise this summer. :) I have good people in my life... I don't know if I deserve them, but they are there.
I've also learned who real friends are, and who aren't. It is amazing that certain people that live so far away (Ashley and Katie) I remain so close to, when others in the same state as myself... I feel like we are just fading. Our friendship is slowly dying, and the belated text/facebook messages seem futile sometimes. I don't know why I bother with some people. I don't feel appreciated with said individuals (I'm not going to mention names). I can see certain friendships fading as this year continues, and these friendships.. I'm not so sure I want to fight for. I tend to give people too many chances, and I'm the one that winds up suffering for it, so it's time to put my foot down and leave the ball in their court. If they want to be my friend so damn badly, they can start acting like it more... instead of the other way around.
For those that know me well, we all know I will still forgive.. way.. too.. easily... eh, whatever.
I lost my Yia Yia this summer. :( It still hurts pretty bad, but I don't cry about it as often as I did before. I think I'm supressing it...which is not the wisest of choices, but I have to be strong for my Aunt... so, I will put my pain aside for her. It's the least I can do after everything she has done for me. I hope my Yia Yia is in a better place... no, I know she is.
Now, I guess I must venture towards adulthood. It's really pretty scary, and exciting all at the same time. Especially now that I'm single for the first time in a long time. There are moments when I wish I had someone, but those moments turn to dust quickly when I think of all the effort put in a relationship, and to be quite honest the last/only two I have ever been in.. I felt like I was making all the effort when the other party wanted to call things quits. No more of that. Yeah, I'm used to getting dumped.. but, the second time around seemed easier... I guess that's just how things go after your heart has been broken for the first time.. not that it didn't break the second time.. just not as bad.
Maybe it's because I saw it, and wanted it secretly? And, because we still chat? Who knows... all I know is, I don't want to talk to guys because I don't want to lead them on and make them think I want more. When, all I want is something casual... at least for now. Any guys I talk to in the future.. I can only hope will understand this.
As I watch some friends go back to school, get engaged, move in with boyfriends, or get married.. I realize how happy I am for each and every one of them, and how I am ready for none of those commitments, and where I am right now, is exactly where I am supposed to be. One day I will get a full time job... in some boring office.. and I'll bitch about bills and shit while living in my own place. That day seems far now.. but, one day I will get there...
It's all about the journey...
I suppose.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The Last Of It's Kind
It's a sad thing... when summers end. I've always associated summers with childhood... carefree, fun, that sort of feeling has since diminished in my life and is now replaced with jobs, loans, and an uncertain yet hopefully exciting future.. that I can't see in to or imagine how things are going to pan out....
This summer felt different. I see it as the last of it's kind. For me at least. I was able to travel to Hawaii, Oklahoma, and Wisconsin in one summer. And, somehow through careful planning I didn't have to break the bank (mainly because my Dad helped out with the flight to Okie.. I am so grateful for that). (And, James, Ashley's fiance helped with the flight out to Hawaii).
It was difficult for me to accept that trip at first, because I have a really hard time asking for help with money stuff from people outside of my family. You can tell I have bratty tendencies when I feel that my parents should volunteer to help out with a few things, I hate that they have to, but at the same time.. I want them to. Friends on the other hand shouldn't have to worry about such things at all... which is why James is so very kind in allowing me to visit Ashley in paradise this summer. :) I have good people in my life... I don't know if I deserve them, but they are there.
I've also learned who real friends are, and who aren't. It is amazing that certain people that live so far away (Ashley and Katie) I remain so close to, when others in the same state as myself... I feel like we are just fading. Our friendship is slowly dying, and the belated text/facebook messages seem futile sometimes. I don't know why I bother with some people. I don't feel appreciated with said individuals (I'm not going to mention names). I can see certain friendships fading as this year continues, and these friendships.. I'm not so sure I want to fight for. I tend to give people too many chances, and I'm the one that winds up suffering for it, so it's time to put my foot down and leave the ball in their court. If they want to be my friend so damn badly, they can start acting like it more... instead of the other way around.
For those that know me well, we all know I will still forgive.. way.. too.. easily... eh, whatever.
I lost my Yia Yia this summer. :( It still hurts pretty bad, but I don't cry about it as often as I did before. I think I'm supressing it...which is not the wisest of choices, but I have to be strong for my Aunt... so, I will put my pain aside for her. It's the least I can do after everything she has done for me. I hope my Yia Yia is in a better place... no, I know she is.
Now, I guess I must venture towards adulthood. It's really pretty scary, and exciting all at the same time. Especially now that I'm single for the first time in a long time. There are moments when I wish I had someone, but those moments turn to dust quickly when I think of all the effort put in a relationship, and to be quite honest the last/only two I have ever been in.. I felt like I was making all the effort when the other party wanted to call things quits. No more of that. Yeah, I'm used to getting dumped.. but, the second time around seemed easier... I guess that's just how things go after your heart has been broken for the first time.. not that it didn't break the second time.. just not as bad.
Maybe it's because I saw it, and wanted it secretly? And, because we still chat? Who knows... all I know is, I don't want to talk to guys because I don't want to lead them on and make them think I want more. When, all I want is something casual... at least for now. Any guys I talk to in the future.. I can only hope will understand this.
As I watch some friends go back to school, get engaged, move in with boyfriends, or get married.. I realize how happy I am for each and every one of them, and how I am ready for none of those commitments, and where I am right now, is exactly where I am supposed to be. One day I will get a full time job... in some boring office.. and I'll bitch about bills and shit while living in my own place. That day seems far now.. but, one day I will get there...
It's all about the journey...
I suppose.
This summer felt different. I see it as the last of it's kind. For me at least. I was able to travel to Hawaii, Oklahoma, and Wisconsin in one summer. And, somehow through careful planning I didn't have to break the bank (mainly because my Dad helped out with the flight to Okie.. I am so grateful for that). (And, James, Ashley's fiance helped with the flight out to Hawaii).
It was difficult for me to accept that trip at first, because I have a really hard time asking for help with money stuff from people outside of my family. You can tell I have bratty tendencies when I feel that my parents should volunteer to help out with a few things, I hate that they have to, but at the same time.. I want them to. Friends on the other hand shouldn't have to worry about such things at all... which is why James is so very kind in allowing me to visit Ashley in paradise this summer. :) I have good people in my life... I don't know if I deserve them, but they are there.
I've also learned who real friends are, and who aren't. It is amazing that certain people that live so far away (Ashley and Katie) I remain so close to, when others in the same state as myself... I feel like we are just fading. Our friendship is slowly dying, and the belated text/facebook messages seem futile sometimes. I don't know why I bother with some people. I don't feel appreciated with said individuals (I'm not going to mention names). I can see certain friendships fading as this year continues, and these friendships.. I'm not so sure I want to fight for. I tend to give people too many chances, and I'm the one that winds up suffering for it, so it's time to put my foot down and leave the ball in their court. If they want to be my friend so damn badly, they can start acting like it more... instead of the other way around.
For those that know me well, we all know I will still forgive.. way.. too.. easily... eh, whatever.
I lost my Yia Yia this summer. :( It still hurts pretty bad, but I don't cry about it as often as I did before. I think I'm supressing it...which is not the wisest of choices, but I have to be strong for my Aunt... so, I will put my pain aside for her. It's the least I can do after everything she has done for me. I hope my Yia Yia is in a better place... no, I know she is.
Now, I guess I must venture towards adulthood. It's really pretty scary, and exciting all at the same time. Especially now that I'm single for the first time in a long time. There are moments when I wish I had someone, but those moments turn to dust quickly when I think of all the effort put in a relationship, and to be quite honest the last/only two I have ever been in.. I felt like I was making all the effort when the other party wanted to call things quits. No more of that. Yeah, I'm used to getting dumped.. but, the second time around seemed easier... I guess that's just how things go after your heart has been broken for the first time.. not that it didn't break the second time.. just not as bad.
Maybe it's because I saw it, and wanted it secretly? And, because we still chat? Who knows... all I know is, I don't want to talk to guys because I don't want to lead them on and make them think I want more. When, all I want is something casual... at least for now. Any guys I talk to in the future.. I can only hope will understand this.
As I watch some friends go back to school, get engaged, move in with boyfriends, or get married.. I realize how happy I am for each and every one of them, and how I am ready for none of those commitments, and where I am right now, is exactly where I am supposed to be. One day I will get a full time job... in some boring office.. and I'll bitch about bills and shit while living in my own place. That day seems far now.. but, one day I will get there...
It's all about the journey...
I suppose.
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