I had a pretty enjoyable weekend visiting my friend Tabitha in Mahomet. :) We also dropped by Bloomington (because she works in town) and visited Amanda, her bf Wes, and my ol neighbor Shirley! :D It was great catching up with everyone. Sometimes I really miss my college friends. I feel like I had a special bond with these people that my 'at home' friends don't seem to understand. Of course...I have different bonds with the people up here... but, still. College is it's own little world inside of a bigger one. Everything that happens in it is surrounded by friends. And, in real life... the world outside of that one, friends have their own lives to handle and are often scarce. Not on purpose, it just kind of happens that way. It bothers me every once in awhile, but I have become accustomed to it as of late. It's all a part of 'being an adult' and 'growing up'. What joy.
On my trip to Mahomet, IL... I took a different highway. Instead of the usual I-55, I took I-57 instead. At first, it scared the crap out of me because I didn't recognize any of my surroundings, but then... as the desolation loomed on... and the lane continued ahead of me, I calmed down and realized it wasn't so bad after all. It was actually kind of nice. I am really starting to enjoy long drives all by myself, with nothing but cornfields on either side of me, and the stretch of open road. I can blast my music, occasionally sing/ talk to myself.. and nobody says boo... because nobody is there.
The only issue I have is with my weak muscles, they tend to ache after an hour or so. I need to work on that. The right side of my neck has been throbbing for about 2 weeks now. I seriously killed that mofo. To the point where sleep is nonexistent. Sleep is instead replaced with an awful throbbing, that never ceases. I felt bad because I had to wake my friend up around 6am and ask her where the aspirin was located. I have sprained muscles before, but never this badly. It was truly awful. :( On a funnier note, if I were to accidently get a papercut, I would probably bleed out and die because of the left over aspirin in my system. I don't even remember how many pills I have taken last week. The thought disturbs me. I love Codeine. I am going to take some tonight so I can sleep, and not feel like crying... my neck is better.. but, still has a way to go.
Tabitha, Shirley, and myself had some awesome lady talk. Everything ranging from life and it's many complications, to school, to jobs, to relationships, to sex, to men, to women, it was just a lot of laughter and alot of fun. I truly miss those days when I could just walk over and hang out with these awesome girls. And, I can only hope we all schedule a get together in the future. HIT ME UP BABYGURL (that's for you, Shirley <3 ) I dunno if Tabs reads this... I WILL POUNCE THEE. And, I'm done with that, hehe.
I have an interview with Northshore Staffing this Weds. I am kinda nervous about it. I hate/love interviews all at the same time. I feel like they are such a tease. They make me feel a sense of worth, a small hope that I can make something of myself in this world, only to drag me along with the 'we'll call you' phrase. I feel like I just hooked up with somebody. Really? You aren't going to call, don't tell someone you are going to get back to them, when in fact, you aren't. Bastards! I do hope this interview goes well. I can't take much more of my job. I do feel violence looming inside of me every time I set foot in that store... every time a customer bitches at me about hot peppers and mayonnaise assuming that I actually give a crap. I don't. I'm ready to move on to the 'big girl' world, and do something with my life. I'm ready to zombie it behind a desk with a laptop in front of me, typing away to the bone tips of my fingers. I like typing. I like blogging. If only I could get paid good money to blog, assuming people actually like what I write of course.
I just want more out of my life, than what it is now. Right now, I am a latchkey college kid. I don't want to move out just yet though. I would feel bad leaving my Mom all alone in the house. That's why I'm hoping my Aunt moves in, so I won't feel bad. My Mom is all I have now. My only parent, and that is a suffocating thought unto itself. Sometimes I really sit back, and I really think about what I have lost, and it becomes overwhelming. I can't breathe, my chest starts to hurt, and I get these awful nightmares (while I'm wide awake) of my Daddy in the hospital unable to speak or function with tubes in and out of his body. It's terrible. I see him, and I feel that he is so afraid so alone, and there is nothing any of us can do to reach him. To tell him how much we all love him, and that it is ok for him to move on.
After watching my Dad die, I no longer fear death. I have seen its face, and it is one of peace and beauty. Not what you would think. I could swear he saw something wonderful before it happened. I remember he opened both of his eyes wide for the last time, and with his final gasp of air, smiled slightly... and then, that was it. Just like that, he was gone. I remember feeling a sense of relief... Dad is at peace now, and for whatever reason.. I felt a sense of comfort. Like he put his hand on my shoulder, telling me everything was going to be just fine. I felt him there.
I still feel him around me every once in awhile. I have had two dreams that I could swear were messages from him. One was where he and I were canoeing down a calm, blue, lake.. we were just talking. I woke up feeling happy, really happy.... I haven't felt that way in awhile. The second dream... he was hugging me... talking about '2 weeks' or something.. it's hard to remember now. I cried upon waking that time... it felt all too real, and I wish he was still here to hug me.
I think everyday is going to be a battle for happiness. And even though I will never feel its true form again, I am going to try to be strong. I am going to try to move on, because I know that's something he would want.
Yup, that's what I'm going to do.
We out.
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