Earlier this evening. My mom bought me an 'aura' reading as a late birthday present. Now, I do believe that every living thing on this earth has an energy, soul, and an electric pulse that flows through each and every one of us. The lady I saw tonight, was very spiritual. She made it clear in her belief in church, prayer, and above all things God- a higher power/being. When I was much younger, I used to be rather religious. I went to Sunday school like Mom and Dad told me, I prayed every night before bed, and I vowed to remain pure until marriage. (I didn't really want to keep that vow, and to be honest I didn't feel much guilt when I broke it either). I guess the 'God' or whatever power I believe in, understands the human condition and our primal need for sex. At least in my world. Maybe Jesus was a pimp, I bet he was good looking after all. You just never know. Anyways, I have been putting a front on lately. Only those that see me everyday, or are close to me can tell that my front is just a come on. That when I tell people I am fine, I am not really fine. I am a lost, broken down shell of a human being, a part of me is dead, that part died the afternoon my Daddy died. I've tried so hard to suppress this. People have their own issues to worry about, there's no need to concern them. I guess I am more transparent than I thought.
Of course, this lady tonight is a scam artist fishing for information, as well as her own living, but in some of the things she said... there was truth. A scary truth. She knew from simply touching my hand that I had been through something traumatic this year (a common guess naysayers would suggest, and it might be right) but, before she even mentioned that. She commented on my aura, my personal spiritual energy. She said I am surrounded by negative energy, and that I am lost, my 'spirit' is in pain. Strong emotional and mental pain. The lady was right. I am in constant emotional pain every day. She asked me if have lost my faith in God. I was afraid to offend a seemingly religious woman, but I told her yes.
My faith in the Lord Almighty fades daily. I guess I am ready to tell everyone why. Since the age of about 13 up until last year.. I would say one common prayer every night. I would thank the good Lord for my family and friends all around me. And, then I would ask this "Please keep my family and friends, safe, happy, healthy, and well out of harm's way" that is all I ask. Nothing to do with me. I didn't beg the Lord to find me a man, I didn't beg the Lord for money. All I asked was for the most precious people in my life to remain those three things... safe, happy, and healthy. Guess what? My prayers went unanswered. Eventually both of my grandmothers rotted away in nursing homes. One from Dementia for 10 years, the other from Alzheimer's.. she lasted only one year because of her age.. my Yia Yia died this summer. Then, my Daddy. My beloved Daddy, one of the kindest Christians that I know. Was taken from me unexpectedly as my Mom watched him fade before her very eyes in the grocery store. That's where he fell, that's where it happened. She was all alone in the ambulance with him because I was closing at work. My Daddy was only 59 years old and he died a day before he and my mom's birthday. Completely unfair. I run that week over and over again in my mind everyday, I have nightmares. It is hell.
Well, I told the aura lady this information. And then, I start crying. I feel like an idiot at this point, I don't much like breaking down and feeling vulnerable in front of complete strangers. Then, my Mom starts crying. A few seconds later, the aura lady herself begins to cry because I reminded her of the death of both of her parents when she was just 16 years old. Her tears were real. The scam artist stopped for a second, and a real person emerged. She told me that the loss of her parents hurts more now, than it did then. It is as I feared. I will never feel right about the loss of a parent. I will wake up everyday, a little bit stronger... but still.. dead inside. She said the pain will never go away, that I need to save my spiritual self.. and begin prayer. I am very skeptical about this prayer. I do feel an emptiness, but writing, my family, my friends, and I wouldn't mind trying meditation.... that all might help me come around. Who really knows.
All I gathered from this evening is that I am a depressed, dark soul, with the potential to be something better than what I am now. I know all of this. I just thought I hid it better. I guess I need to work on that. The experience was for entertainment purposes only. Although again, I do believe in our individual energies, and I have no doubt.. my spiritual self.. or what's left of it is blackened with sadness.
I think I have a lifelong journey in search of inner peace ahead of me.
I need to find a good path to start. Maybe tonight was just the beginning....
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