Almost Xmas....

Well, it's that time of year AGAIN. When people spend ridiculous amounts of money on gifts for their friends, loved ones, significant others, etc. Well, this year I only have to worry about spending it on my family which is always nice. I save money, and don't get to feel like kicking myself in the face after words. So, good for me.

I feel like the older I get, the Xmas magic has since left me. I'm no longer all that excited for it for opening gifts and that ol crap. I'm just happy to spend time with my family and friends. I'm happy that we're all healthy, and we get to see another year. And, I wish I didn't take people for granted the way I sometimes do. I need to change this.

But, most of all, I miss the people I've lost over the years, and it all comes back to me 'this time of of year'. There are two integral members of my family that have been gone for two years now. My Yia Yia and my Dad. Not a day goes by I don't think about either one of them, I still reel from my dad's death... but, each day I guess it gets a little easier, I find ways to deal with it.

I'm sure, like every year I will dream about them when I'm at my worst. Recently I dreamt that my Dad told me what heaven and hell were like. He looked so good in the dream. Healthy, skinny, how he was before he died. I can still see it in my mind, I woke up completely baffled as to how real it all felt. He was right there, I swear it.

I do believe loved ones that I've lost come back in mysterious ways. When someone I don't know is nice to me it could be them, when I suddenly think positively about a situation I know it's probably them. That little voice in the back of my head telling me to 'do the right thing' yeah, I know it's them.

I just wanted to write a short yet sweet post about how we should all take Thanksgiving more to heart than Xmas. Truly, be thankful for your health, the health of your family and friends, and whether you want to bite their heads off one day, or hug them into submission the next. They're HERE, with YOU, and that's all that really matters.

Be thankful for those you have in your life, we aren't promised anything, we have a short stay here, so I intend to make the most of it.

That's my 'New Year's Resolution'.

Almost Xmas....

Well, it's that time of year AGAIN. When people spend ridiculous amounts of money on gifts for their friends, loved ones, significant others, etc. Well, this year I only have to worry about spending it on my family which is always nice. I save money, and don't get to feel like kicking myself in the face after words. So, good for me.

I feel like the older I get, the Xmas magic has since left me. I'm no longer all that excited for it for opening gifts and that ol crap. I'm just happy to spend time with my family and friends. I'm happy that we're all healthy, and we get to see another year. And, I wish I didn't take people for granted the way I sometimes do. I need to change this.

But, most of all, I miss the people I've lost over the years, and it all comes back to me 'this time of of year'. There are two integral members of my family that have been gone for two years now. My Yia Yia and my Dad. Not a day goes by I don't think about either one of them, I still reel from my dad's death... but, each day I guess it gets a little easier, I find ways to deal with it.

I'm sure, like every year I will dream about them when I'm at my worst. Recently I dreamt that my Dad told me what heaven and hell were like. He looked so good in the dream. Healthy, skinny, how he was before he died. I can still see it in my mind, I woke up completely baffled as to how real it all felt. He was right there, I swear it.

I do believe loved ones that I've lost come back in mysterious ways. When someone I don't know is nice to me it could be them, when I suddenly think positively about a situation I know it's probably them. That little voice in the back of my head telling me to 'do the right thing' yeah, I know it's them.

I just wanted to write a short yet sweet post about how we should all take Thanksgiving more to heart than Xmas. Truly, be thankful for your health, the health of your family and friends, and whether you want to bite their heads off one day, or hug them into submission the next. They're HERE, with YOU, and that's all that really matters.

Be thankful for those you have in your life, we aren't promised anything, we have a short stay here, so I intend to make the most of it.

That's my 'New Year's Resolution'.

New Job/ New Outlook

I have a new job now at a pretty reputable company near my hometown. I will not disclose the name of this company, just in case they somehow link it to this website with my opinions, etc. It would be dangerous for customers to find me this way too. I had one customer ask for my last name today. How about no? I do not want to get that personal with any of them. I like this job so far. I did just start a few weeks ago, so of course, the newlywed phase will fade away as time goes on, but I am going to try and keep a positive outlook on this one. It's a bigger more professional company, and I must say it is refreshing to work around guys again. As much as I love hanging with my girls, let's face it... every woman I've encountered... including myself is super duper moody at times. I can't stand those qualities about myself let alone others. I don't like going from A-Z in the span of one day, but hell... it happens... and, I just try to get around it and leave as little destruction along my path as I possibly can. I am also enjoying being single. This truly is the first time I've been single and I haven't been 'seeing' anyone on the side while keeping it low profile and 'open'. It's rather nice to just concentrate on myself, my own wants and needs this time around. The only person I worry about keeping happy is myself... and you know what? It's right where I need to be right now. Perfecto. Halloween came and went. The 2nd anniversary of my dad's death came and went too. It's truly amazing how quickly the years really do fly by once you're out of school. This Halloween was much better than last year's. I would still like to either go out and party and/or go to an actual house party for Halloween. I miss those, but whatever... it is what it is. My friend Tabitha and I went on a Ghost Tour around Chicago last night! It was far too cold, but still alot of fun. I had no idea the city of Chicago was surrounded by so much death and despair. You learn something new everyday. Very cool history lesson as well, I would definitely do it again. She and I rounded the night off with 5.00 shots of patron, they took us to a little bar called Vintage. I wish we could have made more bar stops, but alas... it was a week night.. and apparently the world of fun must come to an end at some point. Not sure I have too much else to say at the moment other than my mom had a great birthday as well! We got her a 3 month massage membership, and went out to an Uzbekistan restaurant for dinner. It's called Diora, and everyone.... look it up... and go. The food was to DIE for, and so were the desserts. That's all she wrote.... for now...

New Job/ New Outlook

I have a new job now at a pretty reputable company near my hometown. I will not disclose the name of this company, just in case they somehow link it to this website with my opinions, etc. It would be dangerous for customers to find me this way too. I had one customer ask for my last name today. How about no? I do not want to get that personal with any of them. I like this job so far. I did just start a few weeks ago, so of course, the newlywed phase will fade away as time goes on, but I am going to try and keep a positive outlook on this one. It's a bigger more professional company, and I must say it is refreshing to work around guys again. As much as I love hanging with my girls, let's face it... every woman I've encountered... including myself is super duper moody at times. I can't stand those qualities about myself let alone others. I don't like going from A-Z in the span of one day, but hell... it happens... and, I just try to get around it and leave as little destruction along my path as I possibly can. I am also enjoying being single. This truly is the first time I've been single and I haven't been 'seeing' anyone on the side while keeping it low profile and 'open'. It's rather nice to just concentrate on myself, my own wants and needs this time around. The only person I worry about keeping happy is myself... and you know what? It's right where I need to be right now. Perfecto. Halloween came and went. The 2nd anniversary of my dad's death came and went too. It's truly amazing how quickly the years really do fly by once you're out of school. This Halloween was much better than last year's. I would still like to either go out and party and/or go to an actual house party for Halloween. I miss those, but whatever... it is what it is. My friend Tabitha and I went on a Ghost Tour around Chicago last night! It was far too cold, but still alot of fun. I had no idea the city of Chicago was surrounded by so much death and despair. You learn something new everyday. Very cool history lesson as well, I would definitely do it again. She and I rounded the night off with 5.00 shots of patron, they took us to a little bar called Vintage. I wish we could have made more bar stops, but alas... it was a week night.. and apparently the world of fun must come to an end at some point. Not sure I have too much else to say at the moment other than my mom had a great birthday as well! We got her a 3 month massage membership, and went out to an Uzbekistan restaurant for dinner. It's called Diora, and everyone.... look it up... and go. The food was to DIE for, and so were the desserts. That's all she wrote.... for now...

The Job Market

I just want to say that the state of our economy in these recent years is pathetic. I have friends both with college degrees and without that have struggled non stop to find a job! Some have applied to any industry they see fit, even retail/ food service and didn't find anything. Others are pickier which probably doesn't help them any, and refuse to even attempt anything other than their 'chosen field' of expertise. It really makes me think. I understand an Associates, Bachelor's, Master's Ph.D, etc. are all great, wonderful accomplishments. And, those that have worked themselves to the bone to acheive them deserve awards in my mind. But, it is curious to me that some individuals that drop out of school make more money than myself and my fellow friends and family members ever will in our lifetimes. I think I know why they have become so successful. It doesn't have to do with your economic status at all. The rags to riches story can reign true for anyone. Especially in the entertainment industry. One of my favorite female rappers out there, Nicki Minaj had a less than humble upbringing and look where she's at now? Same for crazy Ke$ha. She grew up poor and barefoot with a single mother, and look at the success she has earned as well. What do these women have that I don't you ask. Well, it's really just one word. DRIVE. I believe that if you really, really, really, want something and are willing to put everything else on the line for it. No matter what it takes the rewards can and should be bountiful. Now, I on the other hand do not like being in the spotlight. I prefer the wallflower approach, and have remained in that set mindset for my entire life. Maybe it's time for me to change my tune, and try something different. Something crazy, something that could change everything. Every job that I have ever worked at, I knew deep down would never, ever, fulfill me. But, I would SETTLE. Because I'm afraid of FAILING. Well, 'imagine if you could not fail, what could you do?' the answer, plain and simple is ANYTHING. A few times in my life, when I had the drive that I have since lost, I actually accomplished my set goals at the time! For example, I played soccer all four years throughout high school. I was never the star player, never good enough to earn a full scholarship to college, but I trained with my Dad, trained with my sister, and a personal trainer (which my awesome daddy hired for my sister and I) and she and I both made travel teams! I played on the travel league for a little over a year, and it boosted my confidence on the field ten fold! I was in the best shape of my life at that time. To the surprise of both of my parents, I actually had 3 travel leagues ready to recruit me. They WANTED ME on their teams! I had the opportunity to decide which team I wanted to be on. I chose the right one for me, even though one team was higher in the ranks. I made the right decision. It was the best time in my life. My Dad was so proud that both of his daughters made it onto travel teams. My sister has always been more athletic than me, she had more of a natural talent on the field, whereas I had to work very hard to keep up with everyone else, but my hard work paid off. And, I still have the trophy to prove it. My travel team, girls far more talented than I, voted me, 'Most Improved Player'. I was ecstatic. Now, I look at myself and wonder, where did that girl go? Well, now she is a woman, who has been through alot in a very short span of time. And, instead of overcoming those obstacles, I allowed it to weigh me down. Now, I don't sit around all day moping around the house feeling sorry for myself, because that's disgusting and I know I'm stronger than that. But, I do allow things to hold me back. Like the guilt of moving away from my family. After my aunt moved in I feel like I owe it to my Mom to stay home and help take care of her. I feel that every time I even so much as talk about moving away, they become irritated with me and sensitive about the topic. I don't know why, but it makes me feel terrible every time. My level of success in this life, is definitely more attainable than what Nicki Minaj and Ke$ha have found in theirs. I simply want a job in the writing field. ANY writing field. I want my own apartment. I want my own dog. That's what I want, for now. Although, going off the beaten path has inspired me slightly in this last month of unemployment. I used to dream of acting. I do not want to be 'famous' though. I don't want the public or the paparazzi interfering with my personal life. I want to be known on talent alone. And yes, I do think it can be possible, if I had more DRIVE for it. Right now, I'm scared and I don't know why. I'm so used to rejection with my other jobs, why not audition for a horror movie? That's the preferred genre I would like get into. So, maybe if I can get a job for now, take acting classes, and then from there work my way up..... who knows. The world has endless possibilities. I just need to believe what I write, and actually DO IT. DRIVE, DRIVE DRIVE. My new mantra. DRIIIIIVE. That's all she wrote.

(My fave horror movie actress, the beautiful Danielle Harris)

(My fave MC)

(Crazy chica)

The Job Market

I just want to say that the state of our economy in these recent years is pathetic. I have friends both with college degrees and without that have struggled non stop to find a job! Some have applied to any industry they see fit, even retail/ food service and didn't find anything. Others are pickier which probably doesn't help them any, and refuse to even attempt anything other than their 'chosen field' of expertise. It really makes me think. I understand an Associates, Bachelor's, Master's Ph.D, etc. are all great, wonderful accomplishments. And, those that have worked themselves to the bone to acheive them deserve awards in my mind. But, it is curious to me that some individuals that drop out of school make more money than myself and my fellow friends and family members ever will in our lifetimes. I think I know why they have become so successful. It doesn't have to do with your economic status at all. The rags to riches story can reign true for anyone. Especially in the entertainment industry. One of my favorite female rappers out there, Nicki Minaj had a less than humble upbringing and look where she's at now? Same for crazy Ke$ha. She grew up poor and barefoot with a single mother, and look at the success she has earned as well. What do these women have that I don't you ask. Well, it's really just one word. DRIVE. I believe that if you really, really, really, want something and are willing to put everything else on the line for it. No matter what it takes the rewards can and should be bountiful. Now, I on the other hand do not like being in the spotlight. I prefer the wallflower approach, and have remained in that set mindset for my entire life. Maybe it's time for me to change my tune, and try something different. Something crazy, something that could change everything. Every job that I have ever worked at, I knew deep down would never, ever, fulfill me. But, I would SETTLE. Because I'm afraid of FAILING. Well, 'imagine if you could not fail, what could you do?' the answer, plain and simple is ANYTHING. A few times in my life, when I had the drive that I have since lost, I actually accomplished my set goals at the time! For example, I played soccer all four years throughout high school. I was never the star player, never good enough to earn a full scholarship to college, but I trained with my Dad, trained with my sister, and a personal trainer (which my awesome daddy hired for my sister and I) and she and I both made travel teams! I played on the travel league for a little over a year, and it boosted my confidence on the field ten fold! I was in the best shape of my life at that time. To the surprise of both of my parents, I actually had 3 travel leagues ready to recruit me. They WANTED ME on their teams! I had the opportunity to decide which team I wanted to be on. I chose the right one for me, even though one team was higher in the ranks. I made the right decision. It was the best time in my life. My Dad was so proud that both of his daughters made it onto travel teams. My sister has always been more athletic than me, she had more of a natural talent on the field, whereas I had to work very hard to keep up with everyone else, but my hard work paid off. And, I still have the trophy to prove it. My travel team, girls far more talented than I, voted me, 'Most Improved Player'. I was ecstatic. Now, I look at myself and wonder, where did that girl go? Well, now she is a woman, who has been through alot in a very short span of time. And, instead of overcoming those obstacles, I allowed it to weigh me down. Now, I don't sit around all day moping around the house feeling sorry for myself, because that's disgusting and I know I'm stronger than that. But, I do allow things to hold me back. Like the guilt of moving away from my family. After my aunt moved in I feel like I owe it to my Mom to stay home and help take care of her. I feel that every time I even so much as talk about moving away, they become irritated with me and sensitive about the topic. I don't know why, but it makes me feel terrible every time. My level of success in this life, is definitely more attainable than what Nicki Minaj and Ke$ha have found in theirs. I simply want a job in the writing field. ANY writing field. I want my own apartment. I want my own dog. That's what I want, for now. Although, going off the beaten path has inspired me slightly in this last month of unemployment. I used to dream of acting. I do not want to be 'famous' though. I don't want the public or the paparazzi interfering with my personal life. I want to be known on talent alone. And yes, I do think it can be possible, if I had more DRIVE for it. Right now, I'm scared and I don't know why. I'm so used to rejection with my other jobs, why not audition for a horror movie? That's the preferred genre I would like get into. So, maybe if I can get a job for now, take acting classes, and then from there work my way up..... who knows. The world has endless possibilities. I just need to believe what I write, and actually DO IT. DRIVE, DRIVE DRIVE. My new mantra. DRIIIIIVE. That's all she wrote.

(My fave horror movie actress, the beautiful Danielle Harris)

(My fave MC)

(Crazy chica)

Explanation

The main reason I was so livid in my last post, was due to issues with my past position. Basically, I was given an ultimatum from my boss, basically I had one month to improve to her standards, or she would 'let me go' so to speak. Well, I was about ready to wait for that one month mark, until something much sillier took place. My coworker, who shall remain nameless... wrote the boss a ridiculous email and she carbon copied myself in the message. This in turn, made it seem as if I aided her in writing the disgusting and immature email, which I of course did not. Who are you going to believe? An employee you're about to let go? Or, a really angry email full of profanities staring you in the face from your inbox? Guess who she believed? Well, oh intelligent readers... you guessed right. My position was in danger of pure termination at this point because of the circumstantial evidence with that stupid email that I took no part of. So, what did I do? I left the position before the situation got out of hand, and I was still able to walk away with my head held high and dignity intact. Now, although my so called 'friend' proved excellent points in this email, she did so in a very immature and overly emotional fashion. I completely disagree with her and the way she handled it. It was also unprofessional of her to include myself and yet another coworker in the text of the email itself. There was no such reason for any of this, and to be honest I am still really hurt and confused as to why it took place at all. Yes, I understand she was fired over the phone (the workings of my unprofessional boss) and that created a volcanic eruption of anger on her part, but she didn't have to to drag me down with her. It was just completely irresponsible. I do not consider that particular individual a 'friend' any longer. Why should I be friends with someone who has no regard for me or my financial situation? I would NEVER THROW ANYONE UNDER THE BUS. That's probably why I will never make the millions or be a top CEO of some fortune 500 company. I don't like the idea of stepping on people's toes to get ahead. Call it old fashioned, but it's just the way I roll. I am no longer on speaking terms with my previous employer or coworker. I do still converse occasionally with the other coworker involved in that situation. Due to compliance reasons, I dare not mention which company or any names from here on out. I really wish I could though. I had everything all planned out!!!! Due to the ridiculousness that occurred in the office on a daily basis, I already had it planned to go to corporate and file a complaint against my former boss. I still want to, but I don't know what leverage it will hold at this point seeing as the pickle I am now in with that particular company. I wasn't meant for that position anyway. Most days, I still don't know what I am 'meant for' or 'what is my purpose' in this so called life. One day, it will just hit me in the head I hope, or maybe I'll just float until I figure it out. All I know is, I still live by the hippy notion, that whatever it is I wind up doing in life... for the rest of my life... I want it to fulfill me and make me happy and proud everyday of whatever it is I am contributing to society. Maybe I should start writing that book, I keep saying I am going to write, or maybe start the play I keep trapped in the cobwebs of my imagination.