Ode to my Mama

I don't know if she will ever read this. Or, if she even wants to. But, my mama is a strong beautiful woman, and even when I tell her that she still doesn't believe me! She is one tough cookie. After losing her mother and husband in one year, somehow she still has a positive outlook on life.

After failing the IL Insurance exam for the... 4th time now.. and feeling like a complete loser... I did some research on test anxiety at work. And, of course anxiety is linked to depression. Now, let me clarify something. I am not a depressed person. I am not on antidepressants, and I don't want to kill myself. That's ridiculous. Here's my view on it... my mom explained it perfectly... she thinks I have 'emotional/situational depression'. In other words, it comes in waves. Some last longer than others, but it by no means is an everyday... constant thing. I have friends that have it the other way, and I worry about them all the time.... back on topic...

I am a pessimist. Through and through.. my father's daughter til the end of time.. he and I just see the world with a cynical eye and we always believed people were secretly conspiring stories behind our backs... my dad and I had trust issues with other people. He with his coworkers, and myself with some of my friends... who I wound up dropping in the long run anyway. I love my dad with every fiber of my being. He was a great man, and I miss him every single day. I still cry myself to sleep every once in awhile, and I'm still angry that he isn't around. I'm not angry at anyone... I'm just... angry. I always expect the worst, so when something good happens I can appreciate it more. Bullshit, I know.

Today, my mama gave me a list of everything I should be thankful for... here it is:
1. I graduated high school/college
2. I have a family that loves and cares for me
3. I have a roof over my head
4. I have food on the table
5. I have a job
6. I have wonderful friends

My question is. Why can't I see any of these things? Seriously why? I need to change the way I think about my life, my situation, and most importantly myself. I am very, very, hard on myself. I want to do the very best I can at everything... I want to give it 100%, and I want to excel at my job. So, when I fail.... I beat myself up... verbally, emotionally, big time. It's the way I have always been. Alot like my daddy... very anxious and sometimes stressed out.

This worries my mom. And, she's got enough on her plate. So, I am going to take the wise lady's advice... and think POSITIVELY... instead of NEGATIVELY.

My goal is to find something to laugh about each and everyday.

That's all for now folks.

I love you, Mama!!!!