I don't know if she will ever read this. Or, if she even wants to. But, my mama is a strong beautiful woman, and even when I tell her that she still doesn't believe me! She is one tough cookie. After losing her mother and husband in one year, somehow she still has a positive outlook on life.
After failing the IL Insurance exam for the... 4th time now.. and feeling like a complete loser... I did some research on test anxiety at work. And, of course anxiety is linked to depression. Now, let me clarify something. I am not a depressed person. I am not on antidepressants, and I don't want to kill myself. That's ridiculous. Here's my view on it... my mom explained it perfectly... she thinks I have 'emotional/situational depression'. In other words, it comes in waves. Some last longer than others, but it by no means is an everyday... constant thing. I have friends that have it the other way, and I worry about them all the time.... back on topic...
I am a pessimist. Through and through.. my father's daughter til the end of time.. he and I just see the world with a cynical eye and we always believed people were secretly conspiring stories behind our backs... my dad and I had trust issues with other people. He with his coworkers, and myself with some of my friends... who I wound up dropping in the long run anyway. I love my dad with every fiber of my being. He was a great man, and I miss him every single day. I still cry myself to sleep every once in awhile, and I'm still angry that he isn't around. I'm not angry at anyone... I'm just... angry. I always expect the worst, so when something good happens I can appreciate it more. Bullshit, I know.
Today, my mama gave me a list of everything I should be thankful for... here it is:
1. I graduated high school/college
2. I have a family that loves and cares for me
3. I have a roof over my head
4. I have food on the table
5. I have a job
6. I have wonderful friends
My question is. Why can't I see any of these things? Seriously why? I need to change the way I think about my life, my situation, and most importantly myself. I am very, very, hard on myself. I want to do the very best I can at everything... I want to give it 100%, and I want to excel at my job. So, when I fail.... I beat myself up... verbally, emotionally, big time. It's the way I have always been. Alot like my daddy... very anxious and sometimes stressed out.
This worries my mom. And, she's got enough on her plate. So, I am going to take the wise lady's advice... and think POSITIVELY... instead of NEGATIVELY.
My goal is to find something to laugh about each and everyday.
That's all for now folks.
I love you, Mama!!!!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Ode to my Mama
I don't know if she will ever read this. Or, if she even wants to. But, my mama is a strong beautiful woman, and even when I tell her that she still doesn't believe me! She is one tough cookie. After losing her mother and husband in one year, somehow she still has a positive outlook on life.
After failing the IL Insurance exam for the... 4th time now.. and feeling like a complete loser... I did some research on test anxiety at work. And, of course anxiety is linked to depression. Now, let me clarify something. I am not a depressed person. I am not on antidepressants, and I don't want to kill myself. That's ridiculous. Here's my view on it... my mom explained it perfectly... she thinks I have 'emotional/situational depression'. In other words, it comes in waves. Some last longer than others, but it by no means is an everyday... constant thing. I have friends that have it the other way, and I worry about them all the time.... back on topic...
I am a pessimist. Through and through.. my father's daughter til the end of time.. he and I just see the world with a cynical eye and we always believed people were secretly conspiring stories behind our backs... my dad and I had trust issues with other people. He with his coworkers, and myself with some of my friends... who I wound up dropping in the long run anyway. I love my dad with every fiber of my being. He was a great man, and I miss him every single day. I still cry myself to sleep every once in awhile, and I'm still angry that he isn't around. I'm not angry at anyone... I'm just... angry. I always expect the worst, so when something good happens I can appreciate it more. Bullshit, I know.
Today, my mama gave me a list of everything I should be thankful for... here it is:
1. I graduated high school/college
2. I have a family that loves and cares for me
3. I have a roof over my head
4. I have food on the table
5. I have a job
6. I have wonderful friends
My question is. Why can't I see any of these things? Seriously why? I need to change the way I think about my life, my situation, and most importantly myself. I am very, very, hard on myself. I want to do the very best I can at everything... I want to give it 100%, and I want to excel at my job. So, when I fail.... I beat myself up... verbally, emotionally, big time. It's the way I have always been. Alot like my daddy... very anxious and sometimes stressed out.
This worries my mom. And, she's got enough on her plate. So, I am going to take the wise lady's advice... and think POSITIVELY... instead of NEGATIVELY.
My goal is to find something to laugh about each and everyday.
That's all for now folks.
I love you, Mama!!!!
After failing the IL Insurance exam for the... 4th time now.. and feeling like a complete loser... I did some research on test anxiety at work. And, of course anxiety is linked to depression. Now, let me clarify something. I am not a depressed person. I am not on antidepressants, and I don't want to kill myself. That's ridiculous. Here's my view on it... my mom explained it perfectly... she thinks I have 'emotional/situational depression'. In other words, it comes in waves. Some last longer than others, but it by no means is an everyday... constant thing. I have friends that have it the other way, and I worry about them all the time.... back on topic...
I am a pessimist. Through and through.. my father's daughter til the end of time.. he and I just see the world with a cynical eye and we always believed people were secretly conspiring stories behind our backs... my dad and I had trust issues with other people. He with his coworkers, and myself with some of my friends... who I wound up dropping in the long run anyway. I love my dad with every fiber of my being. He was a great man, and I miss him every single day. I still cry myself to sleep every once in awhile, and I'm still angry that he isn't around. I'm not angry at anyone... I'm just... angry. I always expect the worst, so when something good happens I can appreciate it more. Bullshit, I know.
Today, my mama gave me a list of everything I should be thankful for... here it is:
1. I graduated high school/college
2. I have a family that loves and cares for me
3. I have a roof over my head
4. I have food on the table
5. I have a job
6. I have wonderful friends
My question is. Why can't I see any of these things? Seriously why? I need to change the way I think about my life, my situation, and most importantly myself. I am very, very, hard on myself. I want to do the very best I can at everything... I want to give it 100%, and I want to excel at my job. So, when I fail.... I beat myself up... verbally, emotionally, big time. It's the way I have always been. Alot like my daddy... very anxious and sometimes stressed out.
This worries my mom. And, she's got enough on her plate. So, I am going to take the wise lady's advice... and think POSITIVELY... instead of NEGATIVELY.
My goal is to find something to laugh about each and everyday.
That's all for now folks.
I love you, Mama!!!!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
It's 2011...
I can't believe it's 2011. The end of the world is just a year away. I'm excited.... aren't you? Jk. Well, my Christmas this year happened a little earlier because of family scheduling, but it was still a nice one overall.
My mom donated some money to this family that one of her colleague's is very close to. It's a pretty sad story. Basically, it's a family of two, a single mother and her daughter. The mother lost her job, and was unable to house her daughter. So, one of the daughter's friends is housing her for now. I'm not sure if anything has gotten any better for this family, but hopefully with some donations they will be able to get a house again (they could no longer afford to keep their home). I hate hearing stories like that. :(
This economy really needs to improve, and the middle class, like most of us, need to stop feeling the effects of it. I know, 'the rich keep getting richer, and the poor keep getting poorer'. Not fair. The rich should donate to charities, it should be mandatory by law. They have enough to go around, and that's all I'm saying for now.
So far, I've been studying bit by bit for the Illinois State Insurance Exam, or whatever you want to call it. I failed it the first time around, and it pissed me off so much I am determined to pass it the second time. I have notecards, and a better attitude this time around, so I am hoping for nothing but the best. I will probably study for most of the day tomm, because I take it on Weds at 10am. Better, then the first time around at 8am... who in the hell can function then, I mean seriously? My agent definitely needs/wants me licensed as soon as possible. That way, I can start making commissions. :) Then, from there actually find a way to get my own place by June. It would be nice, but we'll see.
By June I will no longer have a room because my aunt is moving in with us. It's for the best really. My mom will have company this way, and I will feel better about the whole thing. I just hate the idea of giving up my own space... and, no one really even asked me... but, that's for another day. If I can't move out by then, I will have to move into the office.... cue snarl now... I kind of want to live on my own somewhere close by. Close enough to family, my job, my friends, boyfriend... etc.
I really like the idea of having my own space for once. No roommates, no drama.... etc. But, I know with money the way it is, and single apartments are pretty expensive, realistically its not a possibility for me. Even, though its a nice one to think about. Sigh. It's a goal... and goals are always a good thing to have. And, to work towards.
Well, I don't have much else to say... I hope to stay at my position with State Farm, but you never know how life goes... that's why it's so important I do well on the exam.... I better damnit!!!! Yaaaarg!
Also, I miss reading books and writing creatively. I want to start writing/making up stories again.. I think working out, saving up for my own place, and writing stories shall be part of my New Year's resolution this year. Now, all I have to do is meet it.
I hope everyone had a happy new year.
Do keep in touch! ;)
My mom donated some money to this family that one of her colleague's is very close to. It's a pretty sad story. Basically, it's a family of two, a single mother and her daughter. The mother lost her job, and was unable to house her daughter. So, one of the daughter's friends is housing her for now. I'm not sure if anything has gotten any better for this family, but hopefully with some donations they will be able to get a house again (they could no longer afford to keep their home). I hate hearing stories like that. :(
This economy really needs to improve, and the middle class, like most of us, need to stop feeling the effects of it. I know, 'the rich keep getting richer, and the poor keep getting poorer'. Not fair. The rich should donate to charities, it should be mandatory by law. They have enough to go around, and that's all I'm saying for now.
So far, I've been studying bit by bit for the Illinois State Insurance Exam, or whatever you want to call it. I failed it the first time around, and it pissed me off so much I am determined to pass it the second time. I have notecards, and a better attitude this time around, so I am hoping for nothing but the best. I will probably study for most of the day tomm, because I take it on Weds at 10am. Better, then the first time around at 8am... who in the hell can function then, I mean seriously? My agent definitely needs/wants me licensed as soon as possible. That way, I can start making commissions. :) Then, from there actually find a way to get my own place by June. It would be nice, but we'll see.
By June I will no longer have a room because my aunt is moving in with us. It's for the best really. My mom will have company this way, and I will feel better about the whole thing. I just hate the idea of giving up my own space... and, no one really even asked me... but, that's for another day. If I can't move out by then, I will have to move into the office.... cue snarl now... I kind of want to live on my own somewhere close by. Close enough to family, my job, my friends, boyfriend... etc.
I really like the idea of having my own space for once. No roommates, no drama.... etc. But, I know with money the way it is, and single apartments are pretty expensive, realistically its not a possibility for me. Even, though its a nice one to think about. Sigh. It's a goal... and goals are always a good thing to have. And, to work towards.
Well, I don't have much else to say... I hope to stay at my position with State Farm, but you never know how life goes... that's why it's so important I do well on the exam.... I better damnit!!!! Yaaaarg!
Also, I miss reading books and writing creatively. I want to start writing/making up stories again.. I think working out, saving up for my own place, and writing stories shall be part of my New Year's resolution this year. Now, all I have to do is meet it.
I hope everyone had a happy new year.
Do keep in touch! ;)
It's 2011...
I can't believe it's 2011. The end of the world is just a year away. I'm excited.... aren't you? Jk. Well, my Christmas this year happened a little earlier because of family scheduling, but it was still a nice one overall.
My mom donated some money to this family that one of her colleague's is very close to. It's a pretty sad story. Basically, it's a family of two, a single mother and her daughter. The mother lost her job, and was unable to house her daughter. So, one of the daughter's friends is housing her for now. I'm not sure if anything has gotten any better for this family, but hopefully with some donations they will be able to get a house again (they could no longer afford to keep their home). I hate hearing stories like that. :(
This economy really needs to improve, and the middle class, like most of us, need to stop feeling the effects of it. I know, 'the rich keep getting richer, and the poor keep getting poorer'. Not fair. The rich should donate to charities, it should be mandatory by law. They have enough to go around, and that's all I'm saying for now.
So far, I've been studying bit by bit for the Illinois State Insurance Exam, or whatever you want to call it. I failed it the first time around, and it pissed me off so much I am determined to pass it the second time. I have notecards, and a better attitude this time around, so I am hoping for nothing but the best. I will probably study for most of the day tomm, because I take it on Weds at 10am. Better, then the first time around at 8am... who in the hell can function then, I mean seriously? My agent definitely needs/wants me licensed as soon as possible. That way, I can start making commissions. :) Then, from there actually find a way to get my own place by June. It would be nice, but we'll see.
By June I will no longer have a room because my aunt is moving in with us. It's for the best really. My mom will have company this way, and I will feel better about the whole thing. I just hate the idea of giving up my own space... and, no one really even asked me... but, that's for another day. If I can't move out by then, I will have to move into the office.... cue snarl now... I kind of want to live on my own somewhere close by. Close enough to family, my job, my friends, boyfriend... etc.
I really like the idea of having my own space for once. No roommates, no drama.... etc. But, I know with money the way it is, and single apartments are pretty expensive, realistically its not a possibility for me. Even, though its a nice one to think about. Sigh. It's a goal... and goals are always a good thing to have. And, to work towards.
Well, I don't have much else to say... I hope to stay at my position with State Farm, but you never know how life goes... that's why it's so important I do well on the exam.... I better damnit!!!! Yaaaarg!
Also, I miss reading books and writing creatively. I want to start writing/making up stories again.. I think working out, saving up for my own place, and writing stories shall be part of my New Year's resolution this year. Now, all I have to do is meet it.
I hope everyone had a happy new year.
Do keep in touch! ;)
My mom donated some money to this family that one of her colleague's is very close to. It's a pretty sad story. Basically, it's a family of two, a single mother and her daughter. The mother lost her job, and was unable to house her daughter. So, one of the daughter's friends is housing her for now. I'm not sure if anything has gotten any better for this family, but hopefully with some donations they will be able to get a house again (they could no longer afford to keep their home). I hate hearing stories like that. :(
This economy really needs to improve, and the middle class, like most of us, need to stop feeling the effects of it. I know, 'the rich keep getting richer, and the poor keep getting poorer'. Not fair. The rich should donate to charities, it should be mandatory by law. They have enough to go around, and that's all I'm saying for now.
So far, I've been studying bit by bit for the Illinois State Insurance Exam, or whatever you want to call it. I failed it the first time around, and it pissed me off so much I am determined to pass it the second time. I have notecards, and a better attitude this time around, so I am hoping for nothing but the best. I will probably study for most of the day tomm, because I take it on Weds at 10am. Better, then the first time around at 8am... who in the hell can function then, I mean seriously? My agent definitely needs/wants me licensed as soon as possible. That way, I can start making commissions. :) Then, from there actually find a way to get my own place by June. It would be nice, but we'll see.
By June I will no longer have a room because my aunt is moving in with us. It's for the best really. My mom will have company this way, and I will feel better about the whole thing. I just hate the idea of giving up my own space... and, no one really even asked me... but, that's for another day. If I can't move out by then, I will have to move into the office.... cue snarl now... I kind of want to live on my own somewhere close by. Close enough to family, my job, my friends, boyfriend... etc.
I really like the idea of having my own space for once. No roommates, no drama.... etc. But, I know with money the way it is, and single apartments are pretty expensive, realistically its not a possibility for me. Even, though its a nice one to think about. Sigh. It's a goal... and goals are always a good thing to have. And, to work towards.
Well, I don't have much else to say... I hope to stay at my position with State Farm, but you never know how life goes... that's why it's so important I do well on the exam.... I better damnit!!!! Yaaaarg!
Also, I miss reading books and writing creatively. I want to start writing/making up stories again.. I think working out, saving up for my own place, and writing stories shall be part of my New Year's resolution this year. Now, all I have to do is meet it.
I hope everyone had a happy new year.
Do keep in touch! ;)
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
It's Almost Xmas
It's almost Christmas time! Or, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa.. and for some people nothing at all. That's ok too. To be perfectly honest, I am a bit of a xmas scrooge. I always have been. I think xmas has been commercialized, dramatized, and blown way out of proportion these days. It just plain annoys me sometimes. I think Xmas should be about spending time with the people that you care about most in the world, and yes... if you choose to give gifts that's cool too, but that shouldn't be all that this season is about.
Loved the Christmas Episode!
It's about being thankful for what you do have. There are so many little kids that still believe in Santa Claus who are living in horrid conditions because their parents can't find a job, can't afford to buy them toys, and the saddest of all... they might not be able to have a nice xmas dinner like the rest of us can. When I did go to church, and that was many years ago... trust me... I would donate to the Toys for Tots program. We would all pick a family/child out of a hat, and then buy them a really nice gift so they can have a great xmas.
Nowadays, I want to spend time at soup kitchens feeding the homeless, and/or find some charity to donate to. When it gets a little closer to the 25th, (if I get around to it) I'll post some charities that I would like to donate to, in hopes that maybe my readers will as well. That's what the true xmas spirit is, selflessness giving of yourself to others that are less fortunate than you are. Because we all need to remember, no matter how hard your life is, whatever it is that you may be going through, there is always someone somewhere out there, that has it way worse than you do. I am a complainer myself, but it's important to think about that sometimes.
Just food for thought I suppose.
On a random side note: I hate this cold weather and I long for the sweet ways of summer, I am slowly, shall I repeat it again? very slowly getting over a crappy sinus infection. One day I shall be normal one day. I will probably have to be on allergy medications for the remainder of my life, but I am willing to take that risk so I don't have to suffer like this 2-4 times out of the year.
I'm on a new vasodilator medication. :) Therefore, my hands and feet don't freeze, cause me pain, or go numb like they usually do in the winter. The only risk is.. this medication has been known to drop blood pressure. So if I randomly collapse/faint, I'll probably have to stop taking it. I really hope that doesn't happen. For serious.
My xmas shopping is all done, and I am excited to give my gifts to the people I care about most. :D Everyone kept on asking me what I want for this holiday, and I never know what I want. Money? An apartment? A puppy? Haha, whatever... I will be happy with whatever I get. I'm not a picky person like that.
Maybe I lied just a little. What I want most in the world. Is to bring the people that I've lost.. back for just this holiday.... just this one day.. to tell them how much I love them and miss them. And, just to talk. I miss their voices. So, so.... very much.
In conclusion, be thankful for what you have folks.... yes, yes... we always want more... hell, who doesn't? But, always remember.... those people out there with nothing this holiday season... maybe that will change everyone's minds.
MERRY HAPPY CHRISMAHANUKWANZAA EVERYONE!!!!
And, last... but certainly not least.. an early Happy New Year! I'll probably blog again then..... see you all next year!
It's Almost Xmas
It's almost Christmas time! Or, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa.. and for some people nothing at all. That's ok too. To be perfectly honest, I am a bit of a xmas scrooge. I always have been. I think xmas has been commercialized, dramatized, and blown way out of proportion these days. It just plain annoys me sometimes. I think Xmas should be about spending time with the people that you care about most in the world, and yes... if you choose to give gifts that's cool too, but that shouldn't be all that this season is about.
Loved the Christmas Episode!
It's about being thankful for what you do have. There are so many little kids that still believe in Santa Claus who are living in horrid conditions because their parents can't find a job, can't afford to buy them toys, and the saddest of all... they might not be able to have a nice xmas dinner like the rest of us can. When I did go to church, and that was many years ago... trust me... I would donate to the Toys for Tots program. We would all pick a family/child out of a hat, and then buy them a really nice gift so they can have a great xmas.
Nowadays, I want to spend time at soup kitchens feeding the homeless, and/or find some charity to donate to. When it gets a little closer to the 25th, (if I get around to it) I'll post some charities that I would like to donate to, in hopes that maybe my readers will as well. That's what the true xmas spirit is, selflessness giving of yourself to others that are less fortunate than you are. Because we all need to remember, no matter how hard your life is, whatever it is that you may be going through, there is always someone somewhere out there, that has it way worse than you do. I am a complainer myself, but it's important to think about that sometimes.
Just food for thought I suppose.
On a random side note: I hate this cold weather and I long for the sweet ways of summer, I am slowly, shall I repeat it again? very slowly getting over a crappy sinus infection. One day I shall be normal one day. I will probably have to be on allergy medications for the remainder of my life, but I am willing to take that risk so I don't have to suffer like this 2-4 times out of the year.
I'm on a new vasodilator medication. :) Therefore, my hands and feet don't freeze, cause me pain, or go numb like they usually do in the winter. The only risk is.. this medication has been known to drop blood pressure. So if I randomly collapse/faint, I'll probably have to stop taking it. I really hope that doesn't happen. For serious.
My xmas shopping is all done, and I am excited to give my gifts to the people I care about most. :D Everyone kept on asking me what I want for this holiday, and I never know what I want. Money? An apartment? A puppy? Haha, whatever... I will be happy with whatever I get. I'm not a picky person like that.
Maybe I lied just a little. What I want most in the world. Is to bring the people that I've lost.. back for just this holiday.... just this one day.. to tell them how much I love them and miss them. And, just to talk. I miss their voices. So, so.... very much.
In conclusion, be thankful for what you have folks.... yes, yes... we always want more... hell, who doesn't? But, always remember.... those people out there with nothing this holiday season... maybe that will change everyone's minds.
MERRY HAPPY CHRISMAHANUKWANZAA EVERYONE!!!!
And, last... but certainly not least.. an early Happy New Year! I'll probably blog again then..... see you all next year!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Fall is here
(my mom's tasty dessert)
( the stunning city at night. They wouldn't let you stand near the glass and take photos, sadly)
(my wonderful family at dinner. :) As usual, I have no idea what I am laughing at in this picture... I think a table near us said something funny...)Well. Last weekend was very bittersweet on all accounts. My family and I visited the cemetery and each of us placed a rose on my dad's headstone. I was ever so thankful I took off work that day. There is no way I would have been up for cutting meat and cheese for complete strangers. I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to be left to mourn, at least for a little while, until the pain became too strong and I bury it... like I do everything else.
That evening though, definitely got better. We took my Mom to The Signature Room in downtown Chicago. She had been there before, but my sister, aunt, and myself haven't. It was a beautiful restaurant. Gorgeous view of the city at night. Literally the lights sparkled like diamonds... littering the sky with effervescent beauty. I have never seen anything so wonderful in all my life. The food was exquisite. I basically snarfed down my pork tenderloin wrapped in tasty, tasty, bacon. Mmmmm. Sadly we had to celebrate my mom's birthday a day early because I had to close the day of her birthday at Mariano's. I figured if I took two days off that wouldn't make me look very good. I wanted to, but went against it. Then, later that evening I hung out with Dan. :D And, he made me feel better by being his awesome encouraging self and giving me lots of hugs. Which is just what I needed that night. :D Thank you hun.
The following day, all halo's eve.. I was beyond pumped to wear my sexy nun outfit and go out for a night on the town with my boyfriend and a couple of friends. Well, my plans were completely ruined. All due to poor planning on my part and to be quite honest... work was another major culprit. Because many people make up excuses to not close at the deli, the few hard workers (like myself) who actually need the money are forced to stay and help out. I had to stay a little later that night because people started leaving to go out for Halloween. That really sucked. I bought a birthday cake for my mom, which she loved... it was very yummy by the way.... that happened later than expected.. I got to Dan's place later than expected, another unexpected incident occurred that was unexpected... and then my friends were too far away for us to even attempt meeting up with them. We were both so pissed that Halloween was ruined. :( We stayed in played some video games and then hit the sack. Not how we imagined it, but its how life goes I suppose. Sigh.
On a different note, I have been working two jobs as of late.. I don't know if I mentioned that recently in my last post. But, I really like being a part of State Farm. I think I can learn alot from my boss, coworkers, and the company in general. The skills I will obtain with this position will probably help me out with other aspects in real life as well. The atmosphere is a very professional and comfortable one. For once, I actually feel respected and needed in a position. I feel like my input actually matters and I'm not just a 'body' occupying space anymore. It's a very nice feeling. Soon, I will move up to full time, and I can't wait to see what will happen from there. :D
My body is sore tonight. Sore from the slicers, and my feet ache from being on my feet at the deli. Working with food is certainly a hassle, but I have to do what I have to do, right? Just gotta suck it up and move on. With either aspirin or wine. Don't worry, I don't mix the two.
Now, for some photos I will randomly upload here. Enjoy... and, I hope everyone had a lovely Halloween.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)