Things and Even More Things

Well. For those of you that read my thoughts. I appreciate that you all do, trust me. I apologize if my site is acting peculiar lately. Apparently I have been 'link spammed' so whenever I try to log in.. it takes a few minutes and I have to fight with the cursor to get it in the right place before it takes me to another website. I complained to e blogger.. and sent them a little message.. so far no help. I think I will continue to complain until they fix my site... or else! Stupid spammers.. can't they find anything better to do with their measly lives????

This Saturday, the 20th.. my family and I are leaving for Paris, France. :D I couldn't be more excited. I have never been to Europe before. The trip is under sad pretense though because it was originally supposed to be an anniversary trip between my Mom and Dad. But then, life decided to shit on my face... my Dad passed away.. and my Mom is left with a trip by herself. She decided to take my sister and I with her. It's going to hurt being there without my Daddy, but I know he would still want us to have a good time. I know it. There will be plenty of pictures.. and a definite blog after that trip.

I am hoping for two interviews this week. I need change... and I need it now. I will go insane without it.

Other than that, I just need to get to packing... and getting healthier... cause my allergies/sinuses are bringing me down. I must be healthy for the city of love! <3

Have fun/safe spring breaks everyone.

We out.

Things and Even More Things

Well. For those of you that read my thoughts. I appreciate that you all do, trust me. I apologize if my site is acting peculiar lately. Apparently I have been 'link spammed' so whenever I try to log in.. it takes a few minutes and I have to fight with the cursor to get it in the right place before it takes me to another website. I complained to e blogger.. and sent them a little message.. so far no help. I think I will continue to complain until they fix my site... or else! Stupid spammers.. can't they find anything better to do with their measly lives????

This Saturday, the 20th.. my family and I are leaving for Paris, France. :D I couldn't be more excited. I have never been to Europe before. The trip is under sad pretense though because it was originally supposed to be an anniversary trip between my Mom and Dad. But then, life decided to shit on my face... my Dad passed away.. and my Mom is left with a trip by herself. She decided to take my sister and I with her. It's going to hurt being there without my Daddy, but I know he would still want us to have a good time. I know it. There will be plenty of pictures.. and a definite blog after that trip.

I am hoping for two interviews this week. I need change... and I need it now. I will go insane without it.

Other than that, I just need to get to packing... and getting healthier... cause my allergies/sinuses are bringing me down. I must be healthy for the city of love! <3

Have fun/safe spring breaks everyone.

We out.

Uncommon Truths

I once knew a girl
with the biggest eyes
she saw the world
and told no lies

life was a friend
nothing ever went wrong
she had nothing to fear
and no one to blame

this girl since grew up
and her eyes are still blue
they see more and know more
more of the truth

that life is not easy
the weak will not survive
in order to make it
we have to realize

you can wish in one hand
and shit in the other
and prayers are passed down
from your father and mother

they will go unanswered
because no one is there
we are all on our own

in this grand world out there
what God is this? you might ask yourself
this God is a chess player
you lay on his shelf

if he's out there and listening
he pretends not to hear
for he will not help you
my sweet, my dear

religion, the Bible, bullshit left aside
all that really matters
is what you hold dear

forget all else

sweet child

sweet dear

forget all else

do not pray around here
prayer is not needed
for the girl with blue eyes

all of that yes

within truth

are lies

Uncommon Truths

I once knew a girl
with the biggest eyes
she saw the world
and told no lies

life was a friend
nothing ever went wrong
she had nothing to fear
and no one to blame

this girl since grew up
and her eyes are still blue
they see more and know more
more of the truth

that life is not easy
the weak will not survive
in order to make it
we have to realize

you can wish in one hand
and shit in the other
and prayers are passed down
from your father and mother

they will go unanswered
because no one is there
we are all on our own

in this grand world out there
what God is this? you might ask yourself
this God is a chess player
you lay on his shelf

if he's out there and listening
he pretends not to hear
for he will not help you
my sweet, my dear

religion, the Bible, bullshit left aside
all that really matters
is what you hold dear

forget all else

sweet child

sweet dear

forget all else

do not pray around here
prayer is not needed
for the girl with blue eyes

all of that yes

within truth

are lies

The Bachelor

L-R Ali, Jake, and Vienna
















I simply have to comment on this hilarious 'reality' tv show. I love watching dating shows and I have no idea why. Maybe it's my sick sense of humor and how I secretly enjoy watching people make assholes of themselves. I don't know.

This last bachelor was a very attractive pilot named Jake. I must say, I even had a crush on the guy. I felt his personality was a little stiff, and he lacked any real sense of humor, but the women on the show didn't really seem to mind. Some of the ladies actually fell for him, while others saw it as a game. In my opinion, Jake's now 'fiance' the ever controversial Vienna, is the latter. She is a young, 23 year old girl, who admits to never having been in a real long term relationship, that doesn't factor into my opinion of her. What factors in, is that she was married for three days. Three days. Really? Obviously she enjoys taking risks, she is a competitor, and granted dating is all about competition. Women and men compete with one another over relationships and hook ups and what not all the time.

But, I think that when it comes to true love. The honest kind. There should be no competition whatsoever. Maybe my version of what love is doesn't even exist in this world I am trapped to live in. I want to believe it does. I want to believe that love just isn't about sex (although for the most part that certainly helps matters) I want to believe that love is a strong connection that you feel with another person. That no matter what they look like upon just waking up, or even dressed to the nines, at the end of the day, you are still in love with this person no matter what the circumstance. No matter how much weight they gain, or stretch marks, or any of that crap.

I think true love isn't glamorous and 'fun' all the time. True love is something two people have to work at everyday, but it doesn't feel like work. It just feels natural. I think the spark at the beginning of any/all relationships fades with time, the challenge is.. can the couple grow from this change into a deeper sense of emotion? Or just fall apart into superficiality? It all depends me thinks.

That's why these often entertaining dating shows are just that... entertainment. I don't understand how you can fall in love with someone in a few weeks.. let alone a few months. Try 9-12 months. That's how long it takes me. Of course, I am a very guarded person when it comes to handing out my heart. I don't take it lightly, or say I love you on a whim.

I have only been in two long term relationships in my short life. Both lasted over a year, and I can honestly say, it was love. I know that because of the pain and anguish after watching my heart break into teeny weeny little pieces. I am not ready for that kind of love right now. I am keeping my heart closed for good reason, which I am not about to go into here. All I know is, when I am good and ready, I will fall in love again. I will find someone that actually loves me back this time.

I'm just having fun for now. ;) Because that's what being young and 'shopping' around is all about. And, well... sexy times are fun too... bwhahaha. ;)

I guess in conclusion of this random post, as most of mine are, I do think Jake made a mistake in his decision. Not because I hate Vienna, I don't even know or care about the woman, I just feel she sees the entire show as a 'game'. Marriage and commitment, which is supposedly the goal of the show, has nothing to do with her attitude. She is looking at it wrong, and Jake is blinded by their sexual connection.

It will be interesting to see how Allie fairs. She is the next Bachelorette. :) I really admired her when she dumped Jake for her job. That was a huge risk. Of course she tried to plead with him later on to go back on the show, he of course said no. Which makes perfect sense to me. Why should she get special treatment after something like that? Although she later stated that she made a mistake in her decision, I still don't think so. I think sometimes its ok to use your head over your heart. I'm not saying to avoid love, or push it away, all I'm saying is.. with such an illogical emotion sometimes it pays to actually step back and think about the situation overall. Really weigh ones options, and then move forward from there.

That's all for now, folks.

The Bachelor

L-R Ali, Jake, and Vienna
















I simply have to comment on this hilarious 'reality' tv show. I love watching dating shows and I have no idea why. Maybe it's my sick sense of humor and how I secretly enjoy watching people make assholes of themselves. I don't know.

This last bachelor was a very attractive pilot named Jake. I must say, I even had a crush on the guy. I felt his personality was a little stiff, and he lacked any real sense of humor, but the women on the show didn't really seem to mind. Some of the ladies actually fell for him, while others saw it as a game. In my opinion, Jake's now 'fiance' the ever controversial Vienna, is the latter. She is a young, 23 year old girl, who admits to never having been in a real long term relationship, that doesn't factor into my opinion of her. What factors in, is that she was married for three days. Three days. Really? Obviously she enjoys taking risks, she is a competitor, and granted dating is all about competition. Women and men compete with one another over relationships and hook ups and what not all the time.

But, I think that when it comes to true love. The honest kind. There should be no competition whatsoever. Maybe my version of what love is doesn't even exist in this world I am trapped to live in. I want to believe it does. I want to believe that love just isn't about sex (although for the most part that certainly helps matters) I want to believe that love is a strong connection that you feel with another person. That no matter what they look like upon just waking up, or even dressed to the nines, at the end of the day, you are still in love with this person no matter what the circumstance. No matter how much weight they gain, or stretch marks, or any of that crap.

I think true love isn't glamorous and 'fun' all the time. True love is something two people have to work at everyday, but it doesn't feel like work. It just feels natural. I think the spark at the beginning of any/all relationships fades with time, the challenge is.. can the couple grow from this change into a deeper sense of emotion? Or just fall apart into superficiality? It all depends me thinks.

That's why these often entertaining dating shows are just that... entertainment. I don't understand how you can fall in love with someone in a few weeks.. let alone a few months. Try 9-12 months. That's how long it takes me. Of course, I am a very guarded person when it comes to handing out my heart. I don't take it lightly, or say I love you on a whim.

I have only been in two long term relationships in my short life. Both lasted over a year, and I can honestly say, it was love. I know that because of the pain and anguish after watching my heart break into teeny weeny little pieces. I am not ready for that kind of love right now. I am keeping my heart closed for good reason, which I am not about to go into here. All I know is, when I am good and ready, I will fall in love again. I will find someone that actually loves me back this time.

I'm just having fun for now. ;) Because that's what being young and 'shopping' around is all about. And, well... sexy times are fun too... bwhahaha. ;)

I guess in conclusion of this random post, as most of mine are, I do think Jake made a mistake in his decision. Not because I hate Vienna, I don't even know or care about the woman, I just feel she sees the entire show as a 'game'. Marriage and commitment, which is supposedly the goal of the show, has nothing to do with her attitude. She is looking at it wrong, and Jake is blinded by their sexual connection.

It will be interesting to see how Allie fairs. She is the next Bachelorette. :) I really admired her when she dumped Jake for her job. That was a huge risk. Of course she tried to plead with him later on to go back on the show, he of course said no. Which makes perfect sense to me. Why should she get special treatment after something like that? Although she later stated that she made a mistake in her decision, I still don't think so. I think sometimes its ok to use your head over your heart. I'm not saying to avoid love, or push it away, all I'm saying is.. with such an illogical emotion sometimes it pays to actually step back and think about the situation overall. Really weigh ones options, and then move forward from there.

That's all for now, folks.

A Damaged Aura

Earlier this evening. My mom bought me an 'aura' reading as a late birthday present. Now, I do believe that every living thing on this earth has an energy, soul, and an electric pulse that flows through each and every one of us. The lady I saw tonight, was very spiritual. She made it clear in her belief in church, prayer, and above all things God- a higher power/being. When I was much younger, I used to be rather religious. I went to Sunday school like Mom and Dad told me, I prayed every night before bed, and I vowed to remain pure until marriage. (I didn't really want to keep that vow, and to be honest I didn't feel much guilt when I broke it either). I guess the 'God' or whatever power I believe in, understands the human condition and our primal need for sex. At least in my world. Maybe Jesus was a pimp, I bet he was good looking after all. You just never know. Anyways, I have been putting a front on lately. Only those that see me everyday, or are close to me can tell that my front is just a come on. That when I tell people I am fine, I am not really fine. I am a lost, broken down shell of a human being, a part of me is dead, that part died the afternoon my Daddy died. I've tried so hard to suppress this. People have their own issues to worry about, there's no need to concern them. I guess I am more transparent than I thought.

Of course, this lady tonight is a scam artist fishing for information, as well as her own living, but in some of the things she said... there was truth. A scary truth. She knew from simply touching my hand that I had been through something traumatic this year (a common guess naysayers would suggest, and it might be right) but, before she even mentioned that. She commented on my aura, my personal spiritual energy. She said I am surrounded by negative energy, and that I am lost, my 'spirit' is in pain. Strong emotional and mental pain. The lady was right. I am in constant emotional pain every day. She asked me if have lost my faith in God. I was afraid to offend a seemingly religious woman, but I told her yes.

My faith in the Lord Almighty fades daily. I guess I am ready to tell everyone why. Since the age of about 13 up until last year.. I would say one common prayer every night. I would thank the good Lord for my family and friends all around me. And, then I would ask this "Please keep my family and friends, safe, happy, healthy, and well out of harm's way" that is all I ask. Nothing to do with me. I didn't beg the Lord to find me a man, I didn't beg the Lord for money. All I asked was for the most precious people in my life to remain those three things... safe, happy, and healthy. Guess what? My prayers went unanswered. Eventually both of my grandmothers rotted away in nursing homes. One from Dementia for 10 years, the other from Alzheimer's.. she lasted only one year because of her age.. my Yia Yia died this summer. Then, my Daddy. My beloved Daddy, one of the kindest Christians that I know. Was taken from me unexpectedly as my Mom watched him fade before her very eyes in the grocery store. That's where he fell, that's where it happened. She was all alone in the ambulance with him because I was closing at work. My Daddy was only 59 years old and he died a day before he and my mom's birthday. Completely unfair. I run that week over and over again in my mind everyday, I have nightmares. It is hell.

Well, I told the aura lady this information. And then, I start crying. I feel like an idiot at this point, I don't much like breaking down and feeling vulnerable in front of complete strangers. Then, my Mom starts crying. A few seconds later, the aura lady herself begins to cry because I reminded her of the death of both of her parents when she was just 16 years old. Her tears were real. The scam artist stopped for a second, and a real person emerged. She told me that the loss of her parents hurts more now, than it did then. It is as I feared. I will never feel right about the loss of a parent. I will wake up everyday, a little bit stronger... but still.. dead inside. She said the pain will never go away, that I need to save my spiritual self.. and begin prayer. I am very skeptical about this prayer. I do feel an emptiness, but writing, my family, my friends, and I wouldn't mind trying meditation.... that all might help me come around. Who really knows.

All I gathered from this evening is that I am a depressed, dark soul, with the potential to be something better than what I am now. I know all of this. I just thought I hid it better. I guess I need to work on that. The experience was for entertainment purposes only. Although again, I do believe in our individual energies, and I have no doubt.. my spiritual self.. or what's left of it is blackened with sadness.

I think I have a lifelong journey in search of inner peace ahead of me.

I need to find a good path to start. Maybe tonight was just the beginning....