Writings from a Random Mind

I had a pretty enjoyable weekend visiting my friend Tabitha in Mahomet. :) We also dropped by Bloomington (because she works in town) and visited Amanda, her bf Wes, and my ol neighbor Shirley! :D It was great catching up with everyone. Sometimes I really miss my college friends. I feel like I had a special bond with these people that my 'at home' friends don't seem to understand. Of course...I have different bonds with the people up here... but, still. College is it's own little world inside of a bigger one. Everything that happens in it is surrounded by friends. And, in real life... the world outside of that one, friends have their own lives to handle and are often scarce. Not on purpose, it just kind of happens that way. It bothers me every once in awhile, but I have become accustomed to it as of late. It's all a part of 'being an adult' and 'growing up'. What joy.

On my trip to Mahomet, IL... I took a different highway. Instead of the usual I-55, I took I-57 instead. At first, it scared the crap out of me because I didn't recognize any of my surroundings, but then... as the desolation loomed on... and the lane continued ahead of me, I calmed down and realized it wasn't so bad after all. It was actually kind of nice. I am really starting to enjoy long drives all by myself, with nothing but cornfields on either side of me, and the stretch of open road. I can blast my music, occasionally sing/ talk to myself.. and nobody says boo... because nobody is there.

The only issue I have is with my weak muscles, they tend to ache after an hour or so. I need to work on that. The right side of my neck has been throbbing for about 2 weeks now. I seriously killed that mofo. To the point where sleep is nonexistent. Sleep is instead replaced with an awful throbbing, that never ceases. I felt bad because I had to wake my friend up around 6am and ask her where the aspirin was located. I have sprained muscles before, but never this badly. It was truly awful. :( On a funnier note, if I were to accidently get a papercut, I would probably bleed out and die because of the left over aspirin in my system. I don't even remember how many pills I have taken last week. The thought disturbs me. I love Codeine. I am going to take some tonight so I can sleep, and not feel like crying... my neck is better.. but, still has a way to go.

Tabitha, Shirley, and myself had some awesome lady talk. Everything ranging from life and it's many complications, to school, to jobs, to relationships, to sex, to men, to women, it was just a lot of laughter and alot of fun. I truly miss those days when I could just walk over and hang out with these awesome girls. And, I can only hope we all schedule a get together in the future. HIT ME UP BABYGURL (that's for you, Shirley <3 ) I dunno if Tabs reads this... I WILL POUNCE THEE. And, I'm done with that, hehe.

I have an interview with Northshore Staffing this Weds. I am kinda nervous about it. I hate/love interviews all at the same time. I feel like they are such a tease. They make me feel a sense of worth, a small hope that I can make something of myself in this world, only to drag me along with the 'we'll call you' phrase. I feel like I just hooked up with somebody. Really? You aren't going to call, don't tell someone you are going to get back to them, when in fact, you aren't. Bastards! I do hope this interview goes well. I can't take much more of my job. I do feel violence looming inside of me every time I set foot in that store... every time a customer bitches at me about hot peppers and mayonnaise assuming that I actually give a crap. I don't. I'm ready to move on to the 'big girl' world, and do something with my life. I'm ready to zombie it behind a desk with a laptop in front of me, typing away to the bone tips of my fingers. I like typing. I like blogging. If only I could get paid good money to blog, assuming people actually like what I write of course.

I just want more out of my life, than what it is now. Right now, I am a latchkey college kid. I don't want to move out just yet though. I would feel bad leaving my Mom all alone in the house. That's why I'm hoping my Aunt moves in, so I won't feel bad. My Mom is all I have now. My only parent, and that is a suffocating thought unto itself. Sometimes I really sit back, and I really think about what I have lost, and it becomes overwhelming. I can't breathe, my chest starts to hurt, and I get these awful nightmares (while I'm wide awake) of my Daddy in the hospital unable to speak or function with tubes in and out of his body. It's terrible. I see him, and I feel that he is so afraid so alone, and there is nothing any of us can do to reach him. To tell him how much we all love him, and that it is ok for him to move on.

After watching my Dad die, I no longer fear death. I have seen its face, and it is one of peace and beauty. Not what you would think. I could swear he saw something wonderful before it happened. I remember he opened both of his eyes wide for the last time, and with his final gasp of air, smiled slightly... and then, that was it. Just like that, he was gone. I remember feeling a sense of relief... Dad is at peace now, and for whatever reason.. I felt a sense of comfort. Like he put his hand on my shoulder, telling me everything was going to be just fine. I felt him there.

I still feel him around me every once in awhile. I have had two dreams that I could swear were messages from him. One was where he and I were canoeing down a calm, blue, lake.. we were just talking. I woke up feeling happy, really happy.... I haven't felt that way in awhile. The second dream... he was hugging me... talking about '2 weeks' or something.. it's hard to remember now. I cried upon waking that time... it felt all too real, and I wish he was still here to hug me.

I think everyday is going to be a battle for happiness. And even though I will never feel its true form again, I am going to try to be strong. I am going to try to move on, because I know that's something he would want.

Yup, that's what I'm going to do.

We out.

Writings from a Random Mind

I had a pretty enjoyable weekend visiting my friend Tabitha in Mahomet. :) We also dropped by Bloomington (because she works in town) and visited Amanda, her bf Wes, and my ol neighbor Shirley! :D It was great catching up with everyone. Sometimes I really miss my college friends. I feel like I had a special bond with these people that my 'at home' friends don't seem to understand. Of course...I have different bonds with the people up here... but, still. College is it's own little world inside of a bigger one. Everything that happens in it is surrounded by friends. And, in real life... the world outside of that one, friends have their own lives to handle and are often scarce. Not on purpose, it just kind of happens that way. It bothers me every once in awhile, but I have become accustomed to it as of late. It's all a part of 'being an adult' and 'growing up'. What joy.

On my trip to Mahomet, IL... I took a different highway. Instead of the usual I-55, I took I-57 instead. At first, it scared the crap out of me because I didn't recognize any of my surroundings, but then... as the desolation loomed on... and the lane continued ahead of me, I calmed down and realized it wasn't so bad after all. It was actually kind of nice. I am really starting to enjoy long drives all by myself, with nothing but cornfields on either side of me, and the stretch of open road. I can blast my music, occasionally sing/ talk to myself.. and nobody says boo... because nobody is there.

The only issue I have is with my weak muscles, they tend to ache after an hour or so. I need to work on that. The right side of my neck has been throbbing for about 2 weeks now. I seriously killed that mofo. To the point where sleep is nonexistent. Sleep is instead replaced with an awful throbbing, that never ceases. I felt bad because I had to wake my friend up around 6am and ask her where the aspirin was located. I have sprained muscles before, but never this badly. It was truly awful. :( On a funnier note, if I were to accidently get a papercut, I would probably bleed out and die because of the left over aspirin in my system. I don't even remember how many pills I have taken last week. The thought disturbs me. I love Codeine. I am going to take some tonight so I can sleep, and not feel like crying... my neck is better.. but, still has a way to go.

Tabitha, Shirley, and myself had some awesome lady talk. Everything ranging from life and it's many complications, to school, to jobs, to relationships, to sex, to men, to women, it was just a lot of laughter and alot of fun. I truly miss those days when I could just walk over and hang out with these awesome girls. And, I can only hope we all schedule a get together in the future. HIT ME UP BABYGURL (that's for you, Shirley <3 ) I dunno if Tabs reads this... I WILL POUNCE THEE. And, I'm done with that, hehe.

I have an interview with Northshore Staffing this Weds. I am kinda nervous about it. I hate/love interviews all at the same time. I feel like they are such a tease. They make me feel a sense of worth, a small hope that I can make something of myself in this world, only to drag me along with the 'we'll call you' phrase. I feel like I just hooked up with somebody. Really? You aren't going to call, don't tell someone you are going to get back to them, when in fact, you aren't. Bastards! I do hope this interview goes well. I can't take much more of my job. I do feel violence looming inside of me every time I set foot in that store... every time a customer bitches at me about hot peppers and mayonnaise assuming that I actually give a crap. I don't. I'm ready to move on to the 'big girl' world, and do something with my life. I'm ready to zombie it behind a desk with a laptop in front of me, typing away to the bone tips of my fingers. I like typing. I like blogging. If only I could get paid good money to blog, assuming people actually like what I write of course.

I just want more out of my life, than what it is now. Right now, I am a latchkey college kid. I don't want to move out just yet though. I would feel bad leaving my Mom all alone in the house. That's why I'm hoping my Aunt moves in, so I won't feel bad. My Mom is all I have now. My only parent, and that is a suffocating thought unto itself. Sometimes I really sit back, and I really think about what I have lost, and it becomes overwhelming. I can't breathe, my chest starts to hurt, and I get these awful nightmares (while I'm wide awake) of my Daddy in the hospital unable to speak or function with tubes in and out of his body. It's terrible. I see him, and I feel that he is so afraid so alone, and there is nothing any of us can do to reach him. To tell him how much we all love him, and that it is ok for him to move on.

After watching my Dad die, I no longer fear death. I have seen its face, and it is one of peace and beauty. Not what you would think. I could swear he saw something wonderful before it happened. I remember he opened both of his eyes wide for the last time, and with his final gasp of air, smiled slightly... and then, that was it. Just like that, he was gone. I remember feeling a sense of relief... Dad is at peace now, and for whatever reason.. I felt a sense of comfort. Like he put his hand on my shoulder, telling me everything was going to be just fine. I felt him there.

I still feel him around me every once in awhile. I have had two dreams that I could swear were messages from him. One was where he and I were canoeing down a calm, blue, lake.. we were just talking. I woke up feeling happy, really happy.... I haven't felt that way in awhile. The second dream... he was hugging me... talking about '2 weeks' or something.. it's hard to remember now. I cried upon waking that time... it felt all too real, and I wish he was still here to hug me.

I think everyday is going to be a battle for happiness. And even though I will never feel its true form again, I am going to try to be strong. I am going to try to move on, because I know that's something he would want.

Yup, that's what I'm going to do.

We out.

Be Running Up That Hill

This is my favorite song right now. By Placebo. It is in the trailer for Daybreakers, although I must say the song far outweighs the film.

Here are the lyrics.

It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You *be running up that hill*
You and me *be running up that hill*

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You, *be running up that hill*
You and me, *be running up that hill*
You and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
If I only could, oh...

'C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh...'

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems. x2

'If I only could, be running up that hill.' x7

Be Running Up That Hill

This is my favorite song right now. By Placebo. It is in the trailer for Daybreakers, although I must say the song far outweighs the film.

Here are the lyrics.

It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You *be running up that hill*
You and me *be running up that hill*

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You, *be running up that hill*
You and me, *be running up that hill*
You and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
If I only could, oh...

'C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh...'

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems. x2

'If I only could, be running up that hill.' x7

After Midnight Ponderings...

We Can All Help Them.....
I ponder why things happen the way they do. Does everything really happen for a reason? I honestly don't think so. I just think things happen because they happen. Like that one quote, life happens while you're busy making other plans. I completely agree with that. We can't predict our deaths. And, I think fate is a silly concept. If you are in the right place at the right time, and area in your life and you just happen to 'meet that special someone' it's all chance really.

Although, sometimes I think... if I didn't go to that party... I would never have met him, or done this, or felt that way. If I was somewhere else instead... true, my life would have indeed been different. By how much though, I'll never really know.

Besides all that crap, I've been thinking alot about the victims in Haiti, and just how awful the entire situation is becoming. I already contributed $10 to the American Red Cross via text messaging. If anyone that reads this wants to do the same.. simply text HAITI to 90999. You will get a confirmation text that you reply yes to.. then, it charges it to your phone bill. If you don't believe the number is legit, research it online... because it is. I am thinking of sending another $10 out this weekend or something. It won't even help them, but I'm trying. I'm also thinking about paying for a tent.. this option is through facebook and I think it's a little over $60. Chump change for those of us with part time jobs, or parents that still care enough to help out a little. I can't imagine what the poor families, the children, everyone.. I can't imagine how they feel over there. So much loss and devastation, it's so sad.

I find it funny that people often ask themselves where God is during all of this. What is he supposed to do? Reach down his mighty hand and take everything back? C'mon now. I must be agnostic or something.. because whatever I believe... whatever it is.. doesn't involve itself in our daily lives.... ever. That means prayer, hope, and crying to something that doesn't want to bother with you, isn't going to help your situation any. If there is a grand spirit out there after all, I believe he will help those who help themselves. And, I'm done with that topic.. so I don't offend anyone.

Still on the job hunt, looking for another part time.. or full time. I would love to quit the job I have. I just feel like I am drowning in my life... if that makes any sense. On a positive note, I am making friends with my co workers so it's less awkward there. We even socialize after work! OH MY!

Still single and honestly loving it. I see all of my friends at work dealing with ridiculous relationship drama, which sadly just comes with the territory anyway. Debating should they break up, shouldn't they break up? I'm over that debate. If I am attracted to someone they will know it. Cause I show it. Dating is highly overrated, I prefer just hanging out with someone and getting to know them that way, instead of having an awkward dinner conversation. Just saying.

We out for now.

After Midnight Ponderings...

We Can All Help Them.....
I ponder why things happen the way they do. Does everything really happen for a reason? I honestly don't think so. I just think things happen because they happen. Like that one quote, life happens while you're busy making other plans. I completely agree with that. We can't predict our deaths. And, I think fate is a silly concept. If you are in the right place at the right time, and area in your life and you just happen to 'meet that special someone' it's all chance really.

Although, sometimes I think... if I didn't go to that party... I would never have met him, or done this, or felt that way. If I was somewhere else instead... true, my life would have indeed been different. By how much though, I'll never really know.

Besides all that crap, I've been thinking alot about the victims in Haiti, and just how awful the entire situation is becoming. I already contributed $10 to the American Red Cross via text messaging. If anyone that reads this wants to do the same.. simply text HAITI to 90999. You will get a confirmation text that you reply yes to.. then, it charges it to your phone bill. If you don't believe the number is legit, research it online... because it is. I am thinking of sending another $10 out this weekend or something. It won't even help them, but I'm trying. I'm also thinking about paying for a tent.. this option is through facebook and I think it's a little over $60. Chump change for those of us with part time jobs, or parents that still care enough to help out a little. I can't imagine what the poor families, the children, everyone.. I can't imagine how they feel over there. So much loss and devastation, it's so sad.

I find it funny that people often ask themselves where God is during all of this. What is he supposed to do? Reach down his mighty hand and take everything back? C'mon now. I must be agnostic or something.. because whatever I believe... whatever it is.. doesn't involve itself in our daily lives.... ever. That means prayer, hope, and crying to something that doesn't want to bother with you, isn't going to help your situation any. If there is a grand spirit out there after all, I believe he will help those who help themselves. And, I'm done with that topic.. so I don't offend anyone.

Still on the job hunt, looking for another part time.. or full time. I would love to quit the job I have. I just feel like I am drowning in my life... if that makes any sense. On a positive note, I am making friends with my co workers so it's less awkward there. We even socialize after work! OH MY!

Still single and honestly loving it. I see all of my friends at work dealing with ridiculous relationship drama, which sadly just comes with the territory anyway. Debating should they break up, shouldn't they break up? I'm over that debate. If I am attracted to someone they will know it. Cause I show it. Dating is highly overrated, I prefer just hanging out with someone and getting to know them that way, instead of having an awkward dinner conversation. Just saying.

We out for now.

Bye bye 2009

Adios 2009, you won't be missed.
I can honestly say you are possibly the worst year in my entire life.. and I would love nothing more than to erase you completely from my memory. Since I cannot do that, I will have to cope with your shitastic ways, and hopefully come out with my head above the turbulent waters.

I have lost so much this year, it is ridiculous. My Yia Yia in July, my Daddy in October, I'm done with you death. Go pick on someone your own size. Leave me, and my family the hell alone. I have suffered much, and I will probably suffer every day of my life... over this crap.... people tell me that it will make me stronger... I really hope they are right, because sometimes I don't feel very strong at all.

This year has brought me nothing but pain, grief, and low self worth. The lack of a 'real' job, that will actually lead me somewhere in this life has to do with the latter.

Instead of more bitching... I am going to make a list of resolutions. I am going to follow this list of resolutions, and it will be a better year. Damnit.

Here we go:
1. clean my room
2. clean the basement
3. apply to jobs on a frequent basis
4. workout more (let's face it, my muscles need it)
5. do not be afraid of new things
6. think positively (this one is going to be hard)
7. be a better person
8. shower more
9. eat greens
10. be myself.. forever and for always
11. date more, I'm young and I'm allowed to have fun, with more than one guy at a time (like that will ever happen)

I really don't have anything else to say.

So... HAPPY 2010 EVERYBODY! I hope this new year finds you well. Health, happiness, sexy times ( a winky wink;) I know I miss that.....

Peace.